Tonight was the 1st grade musical entitled "Cats and Dogs". The kids were so cute. I figure I'm long overdue for some pictures here, so without further adieu...
It was a lot of fun. Cupcake is really growing up. I'm very proud of her.
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Another Breakthrough
This time, Sugar took a huge step!
Sugar was traumatized when Cupcake came home and brought her trauma with her. She has seen a lot of crazy behavior. Deep in her soul, she remembers that stuff and has held it against her sister for nearly 3 years.
We've had occasional moments of actual sweetness between the sisters. We've seen Sugar fiercely protect her little sister at times. But much of the time, they live in an uneasy truce. Forced civility. Or we have outright war between the girls.
I can't blame Sugar. She is only 12 and has to put up with a lot - way more than normal pesky little sister stuff, and the normal stuff is exacerbated by the deep resentment of her painful memories.
So, imagine my surprise, when, yesterday morning, we found this next to Cupcake's bed!

Dear Cupcake,
I love you and I
hope you know that.
You are way sweeter than I
give you credit for. Have
a good day at school.
Read this note when
you think I don't love
you.
Love,
Sugar
Proof that things are getting better!
(I feel it's only fair to tell you that, by bedtime, the note was seriously in danger of being ripped to shreds by both girls. We are making progress, but we certainly have not arrived.)
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Sugar was traumatized when Cupcake came home and brought her trauma with her. She has seen a lot of crazy behavior. Deep in her soul, she remembers that stuff and has held it against her sister for nearly 3 years.
We've had occasional moments of actual sweetness between the sisters. We've seen Sugar fiercely protect her little sister at times. But much of the time, they live in an uneasy truce. Forced civility. Or we have outright war between the girls.
I can't blame Sugar. She is only 12 and has to put up with a lot - way more than normal pesky little sister stuff, and the normal stuff is exacerbated by the deep resentment of her painful memories.
So, imagine my surprise, when, yesterday morning, we found this next to Cupcake's bed!

Dear Cupcake,
I love you and I
hope you know that.
You are way sweeter than I
give you credit for. Have
a good day at school.
Read this note when
you think I don't love
you.
Love,
Sugar
Proof that things are getting better!
(I feel it's only fair to tell you that, by bedtime, the note was seriously in danger of being ripped to shreds by both girls. We are making progress, but we certainly have not arrived.)
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Another WOW!
Yesterday, Cupcake was supposed to spend the night with the neighbor girl. They had been planning this birthday celebration for over two weeks. The night before, she picked out her outfit. She woke up that morning and started packing. At 8:30 AM, she was asking how much longer until the "party". At 10:30, I let her go knock on the door to see if the girl could play, but I wouldn't let her bring her overnight bag yet. We didn't want to seem too eager. ;-)
At 11:00, I talked to the mom. Everything was a "go" for the night. In fact, she offered to watch Cupcake in the afternoon so I could work at our church garage sale.
So, at 11:30, Cupcake comes home with a look on her face. She says, "I can't stay this afternoon and the sleepover is canceled. D's dad called and he's picking her up now." (D's mom and dad are divorced and this is spring break. We'll just say it was a breakdown in communication.) I wanted to cry for her. I told her how sorry I was and how I knew it hurt. She dejectedly said, "It's okay." Then, a few minutes later, "I feel.....really sad."
That's it! Did you hear that?
"I feel...really sad.", No screaming, no rages, no nothing! Just sad!
I was SO PROUD of my little girl!
One year ago, this kind of disappointment would have lead to nuclear meltdown lasting at least a week.
Two years ago, the possibility of a sleepover with a friend was out of the question. Under no circumstances could I ever, ever, ever imagine a sleepover being possible.
Yesterday, I was reminded of those first few weeks when Cupcake was new to us, nearly 3 years ago. Truthfully, in those early days home, I did not have any hope of her ever being able to enter her grandmother's house, with all it's crystal and fine china. (We did reach that goal within about 4 months.)
The story of yesterday was actually WAY more crazy than I can even explain, but, in the end, Cupcake handled tremendous disappointment with aplomb. God has really done a wonderful thing in our lives!
We have come a long way, indeed! I'm so proud of my baby!
Blessings to you,
Mamita
At 11:00, I talked to the mom. Everything was a "go" for the night. In fact, she offered to watch Cupcake in the afternoon so I could work at our church garage sale.
So, at 11:30, Cupcake comes home with a look on her face. She says, "I can't stay this afternoon and the sleepover is canceled. D's dad called and he's picking her up now." (D's mom and dad are divorced and this is spring break. We'll just say it was a breakdown in communication.) I wanted to cry for her. I told her how sorry I was and how I knew it hurt. She dejectedly said, "It's okay." Then, a few minutes later, "I feel.....really sad."
That's it! Did you hear that?
"I feel...really sad.", No screaming, no rages, no nothing! Just sad!
I was SO PROUD of my little girl!
One year ago, this kind of disappointment would have lead to nuclear meltdown lasting at least a week.
Two years ago, the possibility of a sleepover with a friend was out of the question. Under no circumstances could I ever, ever, ever imagine a sleepover being possible.
Yesterday, I was reminded of those first few weeks when Cupcake was new to us, nearly 3 years ago. Truthfully, in those early days home, I did not have any hope of her ever being able to enter her grandmother's house, with all it's crystal and fine china. (We did reach that goal within about 4 months.)
The story of yesterday was actually WAY more crazy than I can even explain, but, in the end, Cupcake handled tremendous disappointment with aplomb. God has really done a wonderful thing in our lives!
We have come a long way, indeed! I'm so proud of my baby!
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Progress
Lisa asked the question on her blog: "For those of you with older adopted kids, have you had success and healing?" The question was coming from a mom who had been working with her child for 10 months and was discouraged. Boy, I've been there. There are still days....but....
I've had a couple of big "WOW!" moments with my little Cupcake. I just need to share them with you. :-D
The first one happened a few weeks ago. Her counselor at school returned to me a survey that I had filled out in March of last year. She asked me to go over it and make any changes that have occurred over the past year. The first page was address, phone number, blah, blah, blah. The second and third pages were a list of behavioral issues, about 60 questions. Included were things like: is able to focus on a task, displays aggression toward peers, responds appropriately to ___, becomes frustrated easily, answers when I call, etc. For each issue, I could check the box.
I marveled over that piece of paper. All that progress was recorded right there in ink! So many baby steps had gone unnoticed. Many tiny things had been celebrated with tiny joy, but the overall progress she's made has been stunning. It makes me want to throw a party. I plan to ask her guidance counselor for a copy of that paper just to have. It will be something to refer to on the hard days.
We have made progress, and it has been good. :-)
I'll share the other "WOW!" next time.
Blessings to you,
Mamita
I've had a couple of big "WOW!" moments with my little Cupcake. I just need to share them with you. :-D
The first one happened a few weeks ago. Her counselor at school returned to me a survey that I had filled out in March of last year. She asked me to go over it and make any changes that have occurred over the past year. The first page was address, phone number, blah, blah, blah. The second and third pages were a list of behavioral issues, about 60 questions. Included were things like: is able to focus on a task, displays aggression toward peers, responds appropriately to ___, becomes frustrated easily, answers when I call, etc. For each issue, I could check the box.
- Not a Concern
- Sometimes a Concern
- A Concern
I marveled over that piece of paper. All that progress was recorded right there in ink! So many baby steps had gone unnoticed. Many tiny things had been celebrated with tiny joy, but the overall progress she's made has been stunning. It makes me want to throw a party. I plan to ask her guidance counselor for a copy of that paper just to have. It will be something to refer to on the hard days.
We have made progress, and it has been good. :-)
I'll share the other "WOW!" next time.
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Invisible Children
I just read a very thoughtful post today over at My Mind on Paper. Kevin, the author, was adopted trans-racially. He is now an adult and reflects on his life and family.
Today, he wrote about the effect of his adoption on his siblings and the long-term outcomes. I see the danger he writes about. We have poured our lives into the healing and stabilization of our adopted daughter, but it has cost us precious time, energy and enjoyment of our older kids. I pray that we can keep them connected and that all four kids become friends as they grow up. I want them to be close to us and close to each other.
If you are an adoptive mom, please go over and read his post.
What do you think?
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Today, he wrote about the effect of his adoption on his siblings and the long-term outcomes. I see the danger he writes about. We have poured our lives into the healing and stabilization of our adopted daughter, but it has cost us precious time, energy and enjoyment of our older kids. I pray that we can keep them connected and that all four kids become friends as they grow up. I want them to be close to us and close to each other.
If you are an adoptive mom, please go over and read his post.
What do you think?
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Monday, March 14, 2011
As They Say in St. Louis...
Friday, March 11, 2011
Five Minute Friday
Lisa-Jo, over at The Gypsy Mama, does a Five Minute Friday writing exercise. I tried it for the first time two weeks ago. I think I'm going to give it another try today.
Here are the rules:
1. Write for only five minutes.
2. Link back to her site and invite others to play along.
3. Go say hi to the five minute artist who linked up before you.
Today's writing prompt is:
I feel the most loved when...
GO
I feel the most loved when I am thankful. Yep. My attitude has a lot to do with how I perceive love from others.
In relation to my husband, I feel most loved when he gives me a footrub after a long tough day. This only works for my husband though. Don't ask me if you can rub my feet. That would be creepy :-)
In relation to my God, I feel the most loved when He breaks through after a long, dry spell. As I look back an all He's done, I am so overwhelmed with His love for me.
In relation to friends, I feel loved when they call, especially if I've been a bad friend and not called them in a while.
In relation to my kids, I feel most loved when they are kind to each other and me. I love when they sense my sadness and snuggle up or say a kind word or reach out to hug me.
I notice these things when I'm in a grateful mood.
I'm feeling pretty loved right now.
STOP
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Here are the rules:
1. Write for only five minutes.
2. Link back to her site and invite others to play along.
3. Go say hi to the five minute artist who linked up before you.
Today's writing prompt is:
I feel the most loved when...
GO
I feel the most loved when I am thankful. Yep. My attitude has a lot to do with how I perceive love from others.
In relation to my husband, I feel most loved when he gives me a footrub after a long tough day. This only works for my husband though. Don't ask me if you can rub my feet. That would be creepy :-)
In relation to my God, I feel the most loved when He breaks through after a long, dry spell. As I look back an all He's done, I am so overwhelmed with His love for me.
In relation to friends, I feel loved when they call, especially if I've been a bad friend and not called them in a while.
In relation to my kids, I feel most loved when they are kind to each other and me. I love when they sense my sadness and snuggle up or say a kind word or reach out to hug me.
I notice these things when I'm in a grateful mood.
I'm feeling pretty loved right now.
STOP
Blessings to you,
Mamita
My New Toolbox, Part 3, Total Voice Control
(I learned something new about Blogger last night. If you are changing the title of a post, and you accidentally hit "Enter", Blogger will publish your post. I'm sorry if you got the rough draft before I could remove it. This is the complete edited post.)
This is my understanding of Dr. Karyn Purvis's information. She's a genius. I hope I don't butcher it.
Your voice communicates volumes about how you feel about misbehavior. It either shows the child that you are firm, safe and loving (which means your child is lovable) or that you are angry, not safe and your love may be in jeopardy. All with your voice and body language.
Scary. I know.
The key is to control your voice precisely according to the level of behavior.
Girls spend our whole lives practicing the control of our voices. (Note the shrieking, whining, whispering, talking, singing, and dramatizing that girls do.) We all can actually control our voice, if we want to. Taming the tongue. Not easy, but vitally important if we want our kids to find healing.
Somewhere along the line, I misused my voice and got the reaction I wanted. Then I jumped to yelling or sarcasm or growling or staccato for daily discipline. :-( I hate that.
So Dr. Purvis gave us a plan to change the way things are.
Total. Voice. Control...... Tone. Volume. Cadence.
Brilliant!
There are four levels of confrontation. Level 1 includes a wide range of general disobedience or foolishness, including lying, stealing, backtalk, not sharing, etc. Level 2 is a sustained challenge, when the kid refuses to comply even though she understands what is required. Level 3 is threatening or acting aggressively. Dr. Purvis didn't cover Level 4, but I'm sure it means serious aggression or violence. (State laws vary on how to handle that.)
So for a Level 1 offense (General Disobedience): Your tone should be light, high and playful. Volume should be low. Cadence should be quick. This combination tells the child that you are not a threat, you are the leader, and he has the opportunity to make things right on his own. Say things like, "Are you asking or telling?", "Who's the boss here?", "Is that your toy?", "Did you ask for a snack?" or "Would you like to try that again?" Many times, the child will self-correct with a re-do at this point.
For a Level 2 offense (Sustained Challenge): This is a situation where the kids says, "No. I'm not going to do it." Your tone should go down just a little, not so playful this time, but not threatening. Volume gets slightly louder and your cadence slows down a little. Give the child two choices. Say things like, "You can ask me politely, or you may put away the toy.", "You can give that toy back or I can do it. Would you like me to do it?" Especially if you have a kid from hard places, you must have a third choice available. If you notice the child is either not processing the choices or jumping into fight, flight or freeze, offer the choice to think it over a minute. You'd be amazed at how often that diffuses the situation. A lot of times, I just say, "I'm going to let you have some time to think about that," and walk away. But not too far away, just far enough that I'm not seen as a threat or a tyrant. Make sure you are available when the child has made up her mind.
For a Level 3 offense (Threat or Aggression): Move quickly between the aggressor and the other person, or , face the aggressor if you are the target. Plant your feet shoulder-width apart. Place your arms in an "X" in front of you. Your tone is low and serious. Volume is loud (but not yelling). Your cadence is very slow. Still, you do not want to appear threatening. Say things like, "We. do. NOT. say. kill." or "We. do. NOT. hit." Then softer, "Give me words to tell me what you need." Try not to get physical with the aggressor. (I know this is really hard, since your systems are ramped up, too.) Keep in mind, that you are trying to bring the threat alert down a notch. Diffuse the situation first, then deal with correction.
So, there you have it.
This is my understanding of Dr. Karyn Purvis's information. She's a genius. I hope I don't butcher it.
Your voice communicates volumes about how you feel about misbehavior. It either shows the child that you are firm, safe and loving (which means your child is lovable) or that you are angry, not safe and your love may be in jeopardy. All with your voice and body language.
Scary. I know.
The key is to control your voice precisely according to the level of behavior.
Girls spend our whole lives practicing the control of our voices. (Note the shrieking, whining, whispering, talking, singing, and dramatizing that girls do.) We all can actually control our voice, if we want to. Taming the tongue. Not easy, but vitally important if we want our kids to find healing.
Somewhere along the line, I misused my voice and got the reaction I wanted. Then I jumped to yelling or sarcasm or growling or staccato for daily discipline. :-( I hate that.
So Dr. Purvis gave us a plan to change the way things are.
Total. Voice. Control...... Tone. Volume. Cadence.
Brilliant!
There are four levels of confrontation. Level 1 includes a wide range of general disobedience or foolishness, including lying, stealing, backtalk, not sharing, etc. Level 2 is a sustained challenge, when the kid refuses to comply even though she understands what is required. Level 3 is threatening or acting aggressively. Dr. Purvis didn't cover Level 4, but I'm sure it means serious aggression or violence. (State laws vary on how to handle that.)
So for a Level 1 offense (General Disobedience): Your tone should be light, high and playful. Volume should be low. Cadence should be quick. This combination tells the child that you are not a threat, you are the leader, and he has the opportunity to make things right on his own. Say things like, "Are you asking or telling?", "Who's the boss here?", "Is that your toy?", "Did you ask for a snack?" or "Would you like to try that again?" Many times, the child will self-correct with a re-do at this point.
For a Level 2 offense (Sustained Challenge): This is a situation where the kids says, "No. I'm not going to do it." Your tone should go down just a little, not so playful this time, but not threatening. Volume gets slightly louder and your cadence slows down a little. Give the child two choices. Say things like, "You can ask me politely, or you may put away the toy.", "You can give that toy back or I can do it. Would you like me to do it?" Especially if you have a kid from hard places, you must have a third choice available. If you notice the child is either not processing the choices or jumping into fight, flight or freeze, offer the choice to think it over a minute. You'd be amazed at how often that diffuses the situation. A lot of times, I just say, "I'm going to let you have some time to think about that," and walk away. But not too far away, just far enough that I'm not seen as a threat or a tyrant. Make sure you are available when the child has made up her mind.
For a Level 3 offense (Threat or Aggression): Move quickly between the aggressor and the other person, or , face the aggressor if you are the target. Plant your feet shoulder-width apart. Place your arms in an "X" in front of you. Your tone is low and serious. Volume is loud (but not yelling). Your cadence is very slow. Still, you do not want to appear threatening. Say things like, "We. do. NOT. say. kill." or "We. do. NOT. hit." Then softer, "Give me words to tell me what you need." Try not to get physical with the aggressor. (I know this is really hard, since your systems are ramped up, too.) Keep in mind, that you are trying to bring the threat alert down a notch. Diffuse the situation first, then deal with correction.
So, there you have it.
Total Voice Control.
Tone Volume Cadence.
What do you think?
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Tone Volume Cadence.
What do you think?
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Labels:
cupcake,
Empowered to Connect,
older child adoption
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Epic Fail
Just so you know... my feet are made of clay.
I have all kinds of great wisdom. Sometimes that wisdom flies out the window.
We had a family implosion last night. All four of us (the parents and the daughters) had had a high stress day. All four on edge. It started right after dinner and quickly escalated into a full-blown verbal melee. It was awful. We all sinned against each other.
Sigh.
Which brings me to a teaching point. :-)
Naming your sin and asking for forgiveness is incredibly restoring.
I ask my kids, "What did you do wrong?" They will try to say ,"She did ...", but I keep interrupting until they can say what they did wrong.
Of course, I have to ask myself the same question.
In a perfect world, we would go to the person we sinned against and ask forgiveness for the named crime. (I guess if it were a perfect world, there would be no crime.) As it stands, some family members have apologized to some family members and received forgiveness.
We're still untangling our feet from the wreckage, but Steve and I have spent a while trying to figure out where we both went wrong.
It is good to reflect on mistakes and strategize for the future. It's good to say, "I'm sorry." and have relationships restored.
This builds resilience in our children and it's good for us, too.
Blessings to you,
Mamita
I have all kinds of great wisdom. Sometimes that wisdom flies out the window.
We had a family implosion last night. All four of us (the parents and the daughters) had had a high stress day. All four on edge. It started right after dinner and quickly escalated into a full-blown verbal melee. It was awful. We all sinned against each other.
Sigh.
Which brings me to a teaching point. :-)
Naming your sin and asking for forgiveness is incredibly restoring.
I ask my kids, "What did you do wrong?" They will try to say ,"She did ...", but I keep interrupting until they can say what they did wrong.
Of course, I have to ask myself the same question.
In a perfect world, we would go to the person we sinned against and ask forgiveness for the named crime. (I guess if it were a perfect world, there would be no crime.) As it stands, some family members have apologized to some family members and received forgiveness.
We're still untangling our feet from the wreckage, but Steve and I have spent a while trying to figure out where we both went wrong.
It is good to reflect on mistakes and strategize for the future. It's good to say, "I'm sorry." and have relationships restored.
This builds resilience in our children and it's good for us, too.
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Labels:
cupcake,
Empowered to Connect,
older child adoption
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My New Toolbox, Part 2
Therapeutic parenting is a whole different ballgame from the parenting style that most of us know. We've been forced to examine deep within ourselves to determine why we do the things we do. We've had to pitch all the ineffective ideas and start over with new skills. My last post listed some of my new parenting tools. This is a continuation of that list. This is what works for us.
It may be nutritional. - She might be hungry.
It may be emotional. - Maybe she was embarrassed at school.
It may be attachment. - Maybe I gave her a look that shook her to the core.
It may be physical. - She may be coming down with a cold.
It may be sensory. - She may need some rough-housing.
All of these things come into play, and it takes more wisdom than I have to figure this out. But if I always keep these things in mind, it helps to keep things in perspective.
For instance, her teacher wants her to read every night. I'm all for reading. I am excited about the progress she's making with it. BUT, if she is an emotional wreck, I must work on getting her back into regulation before we can even attempt to read. Some nights, we just don't read.
We give her voice through her words. When she asks for something, we try to immediately meet her needs. Every time we do that, it speaks to her heart, "Your needs matter to me. I will meet your needs. Your voice is a powerful tool to express yourself." Sometimes Cupcake expresses her feelings with behavior. If I have the presence of mind to do this, I will say, "Wow! You seem to be really mad. I wonder if you are really ________? (worried about Daddy's trip next week, embarrassed about what happened at school, jealous of your sister's new shoes, etc) This helps teach her to express her feelings more exactly (and less physically).
These things don't even seem like "effective disciplinary techniques" because their not. They are connecting strategies. When a child feels safe, loved and connected, the correction is easy (or easier, anyway).
More to come.
Blessings to you,
Mamita
- Treat the Whole Child
It may be nutritional. - She might be hungry.
It may be emotional. - Maybe she was embarrassed at school.
It may be attachment. - Maybe I gave her a look that shook her to the core.
It may be physical. - She may be coming down with a cold.
It may be sensory. - She may need some rough-housing.
All of these things come into play, and it takes more wisdom than I have to figure this out. But if I always keep these things in mind, it helps to keep things in perspective.
For instance, her teacher wants her to read every night. I'm all for reading. I am excited about the progress she's making with it. BUT, if she is an emotional wreck, I must work on getting her back into regulation before we can even attempt to read. Some nights, we just don't read.
- Constant Reassurance
- Giving Voice
We give her voice through her words. When she asks for something, we try to immediately meet her needs. Every time we do that, it speaks to her heart, "Your needs matter to me. I will meet your needs. Your voice is a powerful tool to express yourself." Sometimes Cupcake expresses her feelings with behavior. If I have the presence of mind to do this, I will say, "Wow! You seem to be really mad. I wonder if you are really ________? (worried about Daddy's trip next week, embarrassed about what happened at school, jealous of your sister's new shoes, etc) This helps teach her to express her feelings more exactly (and less physically).
- "I'm Listening"
- "Do You Trust Me?"
- Prayer
These things don't even seem like "effective disciplinary techniques" because their not. They are connecting strategies. When a child feels safe, loved and connected, the correction is easy (or easier, anyway).
More to come.
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Labels:
cupcake,
Empowered to Connect,
older child adoption
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
My New Toolbox, Part 1
In a previous post, I listed all the things that no longer work when correcting our children. My parenting toolbox has become quite empty. I am rebuilding my skill set a little at a time. It feels like I traded in my garage full of power tools for that "first apartment" toolbox. You know the one - it contains a hammer, screwdrivers, a tape measure and some picture-hanging nails. Just the basics, but everything you really need.
So what works for us?
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Everything has to be done with a heart of love and compassion, with gentleness and respect. It's hard being a kid. It never hurts to extend compassion for the people you love most (especially if you don't feel like it.) Anything done with a "baditude" is not going to work.
Most of this came straight from Karyn Purvis and the Empowered to Connect Conference. Some of it was just inspired from her ideas.
So what do you think? Have you used these? What works for you?
Blessings to you,
Mamita
So what works for us?
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Everything has to be done with a heart of love and compassion, with gentleness and respect. It's hard being a kid. It never hurts to extend compassion for the people you love most (especially if you don't feel like it.) Anything done with a "baditude" is not going to work.
Most of this came straight from Karyn Purvis and the Empowered to Connect Conference. Some of it was just inspired from her ideas.
- Proximity
- Eye Contact
- The Do-Over
- Prevention
- A Spoon Full of Sugar
- The Oreo
So what do you think? Have you used these? What works for you?
Blessings to you,
Mamita
Labels:
cupcake,
Empowered to Connect,
older child adoption
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