Saturday, July 9, 2011

Our Two-Sided Rage

I try very hard to strike a balance between being real and transparent, and protecting our family’s privacy, while always honoring God. 

It’s hard when reality doesn’t honor God, and when being transparent means being vulnerable... 

So, here goes...
I will be honest about my struggles.  I don’t want to portray that I’m a perfect therapeutic mother, and only my child has “issues”.   

So, I'll expose my faults.  

They say you're only as sick as your secrets.

Those who know me in real life would probably characterize me as laid-back, easy-going, flexible, patient, and friendly.  They might say I have a sharp tongue or haughty eyes, but I don't think anyone would say that I have a fiery temper or a short fuse.


I’d be lying if I told you that I never had intense feelings of rage toward my little sweetheart.  There are times when I’ve thought the words that "Other Mother" said.  Once in a while, I mutter some of them under my breath.  Sometimes, in anger, I say things I regret. At times, I can be downright scary.

This deep, intense rage...It's different from anything I've ever known.  It comes bursting up from seemingly nowhere in the heat of battle pulsing through every fiber of my being...Just when calm and therapeutic would be most helpful.

So, what does this mean? 
  • I'm human.  I fall short.  I have rotten days. 
  • Sometimes, my stress level is through the roof.
  • Raising a kid from hard places is way more demanding than raising most home-grown kids.  
  • My precious child is uncovering layers of me that I did not know existed.   
  • I have rage in me.    
That means that I have to work on me if I want to lead Cupcake into healing.

One thing that I picked up from Empowered to Connect was that we adoptive parents want to make this all about healing our kids from their wounds.  But, in reality, their trauma brings our unresolved issues and our weakness to the forefront.  And, actually,  their healing is very dependent on our healing.  

Our kids were put into our lives for a purpose.  They challenge us to become whole.  The journey to wholeness is painful, exhausting, and scary, yet totally worth it.  Finding wholeness requires us to truly examine our own lives.  We need to look into not only our past, but our expectations, our worldview, our framework for parenting, our pride, our character...everything has to be pulled out and evaluated.  We must make changes if we are going to make progress.

One thing for sure, Cupcake has revealed the true me to me.  

Sometimes, I don't like her very much - the true me, that is.  

It's amazing how little I know about myself.

I ponder where all my rage is coming from.  Perhaps a lot has to do with my pride, the god of convenience, and my fears.  I really like to be right, to look well put together, and for things to be smooth and easy.  And my fears...I could easily write a series of posts on my fears.

But then, I must remember:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

                                            2 Tim 1:7

I truly believe that God is using this to sand off my rough edges, to make me whole, and to exercise my trust in Him.  

It would sure be easier if I were perfect.  :-)

Blessings to you,


Kim said...

Oh sister do I know what you mean! Sometimes I'll spout off at somebody about something and I'll be like wow - where did that come from??? Thankfully those times are a bit far and few inbetween since my hysterectomy a couple years ago and awesome natural meds that keep me from being that crazy woman very often.

Christine said...

Thank you for your honesty. These things are hard to admit. Where does that all come from? Things we need to figure out.