Two-Sided Rage

I received a comment on my last post that got me thinking.   Nora was concerned that I was saying that rage from both sides was acceptable.  (This is in reference to the Raising a Traumatized Child blog, where the mom (“Other Mother”) had moments of intense rage against her raging son.  “Other Mother” would, at times, cuss, or think or say hurtful or unkind words in the heat of battle.  Nora has a valid point, yet I think it's important to understand what's really going on in these highly volatile relationships.

So...

I can really relate to "Other Mother".

But... 

I want to be perfectly clear here.  I am not condoning rage as a valid response to an out-of-control child.  Raging against a child is not okay.  It is not right to verbally or physically assault a person.   Taking out your anger on someone else (especially little people) is wrong.  That’s why the Bible tells us to get rid of all rage.  So, I’m not saying that raging at your kids is okay.

I am saying that it is a very real truth that an angry, defiant, raging, violent, destructive child will often bring forth rage in their parents.  Not that the child causes the rage.  The child merely exposes the rage that was already there. 

Let me say that again.

The child merely exposes the rage that was already there. 

And sometimes, we therapeutic moms feel it come bubbling up from the depths of our hearts.

Ugh.

And it's not right, but it does happen.  

So where does this rage come from and how do we get rid of it?  Any suggestions?

Blessings to you,

Mamita

                                                                                             

Raising a Traumatized Child

I recently found a blog called Raising a Traumatized Child.  It is the true story of a little boy and his single mom and their journey through trauma.  I have been absolutely drawn to this story.  It's like a  great book. You just can't help but stay up late to read the next chapter.  I think I'm so captured by the story, because I'm living what she describes so well.  My issues are different from hers and some of Cupcake's trauma and behaviors are different from her son's.  But, overall she paints a vivid picture of life with a traumatized kid.  Much of what she writes is an exact glimpse into our lives (at least the stuff before 3rd grade).  The crazy behavior, the fierce love,  the escalation,  the rage (on both sides), the sorrow afterwards, a mother's over-arching compassion, a child's need to be loved...she ties it all together beautifully (and painfully).

Sometimes, as I'm reading, I'm thinking, "No, no!  Don't say that!  I know where this is going..."  But, in reality, I've made the same mistakes.  It's very, very hard to remain calm and compassionate in the midst of defiance and chaos.  This mom is a hero, even if she messed up at times.  I'm thankful that she is sharing her story with the world. 

I have not finished the story, so I don't know if there's a happy ending.  I do know that the drama is riveting and I can't stop reading.  If you choose to check it out, start at post 1 (which was in May) and read it in order.  Also note that there is foul language and words descriptive of se*ual abuse. 

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Sorry For the Silence

Yes, I am still alive.

It's been a long couple of weeks around here.  Lots of turmoil here...normal stuff for normal kids, but life-shaking for traumatized kids.  :-(

We went back to Mom's to take care of an estate sale.  It was long, hard, hot work and not much fun.  I was so very thankful that there was a little neighbor boy next to my brother's place (where we had the sale).  He played with Cupcake all week long, with only a few little squabbles.  She learned to ride a bike - expert style.  Not only can she start and stop on her own, she can avoid dogs and other kids, pull tight corners and dodge mud puddles...or hit them square on, whichever she prefers.

Luke has had two weeks of camp in a row, plus going back to Mom's, so he has not been home in 3 weeks now, except a day here and there.

Tim is working for me this summer, since he couldn't find a job.  I'm getting some long awaited honey-do's accomplished and he's getting some money for college and spending.

Sugar is doing well.  Really growing up into a young lady.  YIKES!  She is beautiful and seems to really be coming into her own.

Sorry I have no pictures.  My kids won't let me take them anymore.  :-(

Steve is traveling some these days and I'm holding down the fort a few days at a time.

We scrapped our plans to go camping this summer for vacation and we decided to go to Florida with some friends later this summer.  I'm pretty excited about it.  I love camping, but the weather has not cooperated this year, and now it's too hot for the next several months.  So instead, beaches and pools and shopping (Me) and golf (Steve).   

So, there you have it.  Our recent history and future plans, summed up.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

My Birthday

On Monday, I turned *an undisclosed number* of years.  It was a really nice day.  :-)  Steve was off work.  We worked on cleaning the basement.  I know, not much fun, but much needed, and somehow, therapeutic.  We have been working on a new project down there.  More on that later....

So...around lunchtime, there was much whispering and planning.  I was not allowed to look.  After a while...TA-DA!  Lunch was served.  Ham Fried Rice, Tossed Salad and Apple Slices. 

 

 
What a nice and tasty surprise!  Planned exclusively by Cupcake and prepared by Steve and Cupcake.  Pretty cool, huh?

We were invited to our good friend's house for dinner.  We had a very relaxing time with uplifting conversation and great fellowship.  They gave me a nice gift and then brought out this decadent chocolate cake and ice cream!  It was really sweet, figuratively and literally! YUM!

My gift from my family will be coming soon, but the best gift was that nobody fought all day.  No one was defiant.  No behaviors.  Only kindness.  All birthday long.  What a reprieve from the tough days we've been having! 

I went to bed with a long, happy sigh and a content smile on my face.  Who could ask for more?

Oh, there's more.  While I was cleaning the basement, I found this newly written list.

 

Translated:

• Clean.
• Vacuum.
• Get Mom a present.
• Make Mom a lunch.
• Make Mom a card.
• Make the (something).
• and the last thing is to go to our friends' house.

Made my heart melt.

Blessings to you,
Mamita