Book Review: Choosing To See

On May 21, 2008, Steve and I were in Guatemala City, joyfully welcoming our nearly-5-year-old Cupcake into our family.

Three thousand miles away, Steven Curtis (Contemporary Christian musician) and Mary Beth Chapman were living every parent's worst nightmare - experiencing the tragic death of their just-barely-5-year-old adopted daughter, Maria.

I had prayed for the Chapmans since that day.  Their family was heavy on my heart, especially every time I heard the song "Cinderella" on the radio.

So, when I had the opportunity to read Mary Beth's book, Choosing to See, I jumped right in.

Mary Beth is an incredibly talented storyteller.  She weaves her story as part of God's larger tapestry.  At times, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.  Other times, I bawled as she brought me into the valley with her.  Each passage is honest, transparent, and vulnerable.  

This is a raw, painful glimpse into the heart of a mother.  It's a memoir of a life lived for God.  It is a memorial to the precious girl who now dances with her Heavenly Father.  It is a testimony to God's faithfulness in the face of a worst-case-scenario.  It is the story of a sure hope that is not seen.  It is the story of choosing to see hope in the gentle hints of our loving God.

I give "Choosing to See" two thumbs up.  I highly recommend it.

Blessings to you,

Mamita

     



Something to Think About...

I've been following the Compassion Bloggers on their trip to Equador.

I love what Compassion International does for communities, for people.

So, Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience has been making me cry.

As I was sniffing through her post, I read this:

Don’t we all need a reference letter from the poor when we meet Christ?

...and my world stopped in space and time for a moment. 

What if Jesus asks for a letter of reference from the poor when I meet Him face to face?

Could I present one to Him?

Could you get a letter - a personal reference?  Not from the "masses" that you've helped because of your good ideas, but from flesh and blood people who are grateful that you care.

Could you get one from...

• the poor
• the sick
• the weak
• the vulnerable
• the old
• the unborn
• the incarcerated
• the orphan
• the hopeless
• the lost
• the dying

??????????????????????

Sobering question, isn't it?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Positive Words - Days 11-14

I've had laryngitis since Sunday.  Every word is such an effort that I've needed to think through every little thing I say before it comes out of my mouth. 

So there, laryngitis is a blessing.  :-)

That was a very tough challenge.  It really made me aware of how much negative stuff really does come out.  And the thoughts that I didn't say...let's just say that I haven't arrived yet.

⁷ All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, ⁸ but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.        James 3:7-10

Blessings to you,
Mamita

A Reply to Missy

I received a really sweet and thought-provoking comment on my post about Therapeutic Parenting 501. Missy brought up a whole lot that really struck a chord with me. Missy said:

As I sit reading and examining my relationship with my 'strong willed' child, I ask myself - could there be an underlying trauma, about which I am unaware? I've examined several other possibilities and have come up empty handed. Still, the daily interactions with 'SW' child leave me drained, taxed, flustered, confused, and sometimes tearful. Thank you for reminding me about the patient and compassionate part of my role in his life.

Let me just start by saying: Everything I ever learned about human nature, I learned from Cupcake.

Cupcake changed everything for me. Her life is an exaggeration of human nature. A "normal" kid can absorb a lot of hurt and carry that around without it affecting behavior. Cupcake can't do that. When she feels rejected, insulted, threatened or {name your hurt here}, it comes out in her behavior.   The night-and-day difference in her demeanor when she feels safe and loved is undeniable.

What I once saw as pesky, disobedient, undisciplined, or spoiled, I now see in light of a hurt, fearful, and self-protective worldview. Karyn Purvis stated at Empowered to Connect, that she assumes every child she works with is wounded.   I found this viewpoint to be very helpful in dealing with all kids.  There are times when I have no idea why a behavior comes up, but if assume it's from a place of hurt or fear, I can respond in love, rather than react in anger.  When you see a child (or adult) as fragile, you treat them with much more gentleness, compassion and respect.

I strongly suspect that most strong-willed kids feel the need to be in control because their world feels unsafe. According to this article by Esther Giller, psychological trauma is created when a person experiences a traumatic situation or event and it overwhelms their ability to cope. That means that any event or situation that leaves a child feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, scared, or unsettled can potentially result in typical trauma behaviors (defiance, aggression, seeking control, and manipulation). The existence of trauma and the level of harm, then, lies within the one who experienced it.

What I mean is: The same event can affect two people in completely different ways, and seemingly small hurts can severely distress a child. It doesn't have to be a big "T" trauma. For instance, when I took Driver's Education back in the day, my instructor was a football coach. He taught me like he taught everybody.  Using reverse psychology, he would insult us and forecast a bleek future, hoping we would be motivated to prove him wrong.  I heard, “You're never going to learn to drive." Or "If you don't get this right, I'm going to flunk you." My classmates just shrugged it off - That's just the way he is. But not me. I was so intimidated, I couldn't think. It affected me physically. And once I grew up, it still had a hold of me. I've forgiven him and worked through it, but, even now, I still feel stress in my abdomen whenever I think of Driver's Ed.   And that's a little 't' trauma, for sure.

One other thing that I've learned on this journey is that trauma and the feelings of the world being unsafe can happen very early in life - prenatally. This is so hard for us to wrap our heads around, but if a pregnancy is difficult, high-stress, or if something happened to the mom that was traumatic or stressful during pregnancy, the child has a significantly higher risk of being anxious, hyper-vigilant, fearful, aggressive, dissociative (withdrawing into themselves), depressed, etc. This stuff can be hard-wired at birth. The good news is that the brain is amazing and can be re-wired to a certain extent.   It'll take a lot of work and the right information, but it can be done.

I also believe that the kids that are the most "out of whack" are the most sensitive. They have been hurt the deepest. They require the gentlest care. The ones who are aggressive, defiant, self-harming, even those who appear prideful and self-centered, are the kids who have been hurt so badly that they feel they can't afford to let anyone ever hurt them or control them again. This is also true for those who shut others out and withdraw inside themselves. These kids need more nuture, not stronger punishment.

Well, Missy, I bet you didn't know your comment was such a loaded question. ;-) Thank you for inspiring me to get on my soapbox. J

But wait! There's more…the second part of Missy's comment inspired even more thoughts.


Blessings to you,

Mamita