Random Notes on Therapeutic Parenting

I am currently reading and taking notes on Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen.  This book brings to light so many important points and causes my brain to web all over the place.  :-)  This is my attempt to process, retain, and apply the tremendous principles discussed in the book.  This is a mish-mash of her thoughts and mine.  Please join me as I ramble.

These are some things to keep in mind early in the placement and to continue to consider as your child grows.

Attachment in kids with complex backgrounds may not will not be a stable, upward curve.  It will be erratic and jumpy.  Gains are thrilling, but they might be lost at the first sign of stress.  Things you thought you'd beaten come back when you least expect it.  It's two steps forward, one step back.  (Sometimes, you fall backward off the cliff.)  That's the nature of the beast.  This requires long-term intervention.  It's a lifetime commitment.

Be the detective.  Think about what your child may have lived through that would cause this fear/behavior.  Even if it's not what really happened (a lot of it is a guessing game), it will help you to see your child through the eyes of compassion.

Respond immediately to needs.  It will not spoil them.  If needs are never met immediately, your child will never mature past "baby".

Early on, behave as if the child asked appropriately.  If your newly adopted child screams for water, give them water.  Then show them how civilized people ask for water.  You would never deprive a baby her milk because she cried for it.  This newly adopted child needs to know that her voice matters.  She needs to know that you care and that you will meet her needs.  There will be a time to learn ettiquette later.

There are no easy if/then parenting scenarios when parenting kids from hard places.  It will require getting to the core issues.  In order to heal they must deal with the gut-wrenching big questions.  Sometimes you will find something that "works" to stop a behavior, but more often, you will need to bring your child to a new way of thinking/feeling in order for the behavior to stop.  This is hard work, but it is incredibly rewarding. 

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Proactive Parenting

I've been reading this amazing book called Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen.  I've read a lot adoption books in the last 6 years.  This one is chock full of great insight and practical tools.  So much so, that I am taking notes as I go, so I can remember and apply this stuff.

Therapeutic parenting is the best way to parent.   Period.  It is the narrow gate that allows kids from hard places to recover and heal in a family setting.  But it is an awesome way to parent your regular, typical kids, because it focuses on relationship and deeply understanding your child.  That's good for all kids. 

Here on the blog, I will be reviewing my notes and thinking out loud.  You're invited to follow along on my journey.  I will only be covering some of the things that really strike me in the book.  You should get the book and read it yourself.  Really.

Patty Cogen begins by defining proactive parenting.  Simply put, it means that the parent should primarily be the initiator in the relationship, rather than the responder. 

Ouch.

As it relates to Cupcake, I get high marks.
 
However...

With the big kids...

When they were younger, I initiated the relationship. But as the kids got more independent, as Cupcake's needs overshadowed all other needs, and as I battled physical and emotional exhaustion, I stopped (or slowed down) making the effort to just love on my big kids.  I don't like that.

It's time for a change.

What do you do to proactively parent your teenagers?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Still Here

I'm still here.  I just have not been able to find the time to type in my thoughts.  I've been reading a wonderful book on adoption parenting.  It is so good, I'm taking notes and I hope to bring you on my journey.  The book is "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen.

http://www.pattycogenparenting.info/

We've had lots of stuff going on at home.  Cupcake is in a happy zone right now and has been doing okay. 

We're just busy, busy, busy. 

I hope to check in again soon with something worthwhile to say.  :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Christmas Joy

Favorite Christmas Pics...

The reaction from Aunt/Uncle gifts...

Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.

(Perhaps the best line from the best swordfighting movie ever...)

It's a promise ring.  (I promise not to hit my sister.)  :-)

What happens when the youngest child is up at 5:30 on Christmas morn...

(Notice:  There are no pictures of said youngest child napping. 

We did find her crashed on her bed at 9:00 pm last night, though.)

The Princess carries a weapon.

Blessings to  you,

Mamita

Talent Show

Friday was Cupcake's Talent Show at school.

Twice a year, their music teacher holds a talent show, just to get the kids used to being up in front of people with a microphone.  It is always a special show.  I love watching the kids grow up and get more confident each year.

Cupcake has a hard time learning the words to songs, so she usually sings with a friend.  She made a lot of progress this past year.   It was her best performance yet. :-)

Sorry for little Miss Blankface.  I didn't get her mom's permission . 

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Just for Fun

Favorite Picture from this fall:

Another wrestling match cheerleading session:

The Trust Fall:



The Trust Hold:



Trust Me, I'm Takin' You Down!



Having fun with the attitude:

Real life Face Goo:



Blessings to you,

Mamita

Trauma Mamas Must Read

My friend, Lisa, over at One Thankful Mom had a very inspiring post for all parents of "kids from hard places" today. 

I love Lisa's heart and today she nailed it. Go read it. :-)  You will be blessed.

One Thankful Mom - My Learning Curve:  Never Give Up

Blessings to you,
Mamita