Entertaining Angels

Don’t neglect to show hospitality,

for by doing this some have welcomed

angels as guests without knowing it. 

Hebrews 13:2

This is Josh.

I don't think Josh is an angel... But he just might be...

You know that moment when everything is right with the world, and it seems the sky opens up and the angels are singing, and you bask in the glorious moment?

That happened yesterday.

Josh came home from school with Stephanie.  When Cupcake walked in the door, she squealed with delight!  The weather was beautiful.   Spring Break was bursting forth.  Everyone was in a great mood. 

One thing about Josh.  He's STRONG.  And AGILE.  And ATHLETIC.  And might be some sort of MMA wizard.  And he's GENTLE with kids.  (Okay, that was five things.)

They went out on the trampoline and wrestled and flipped and wrestled some more.  He hung her up by the toes and tossed her over his shoulder.   He let her try to push him down and pick him up.  He raced her up the hill.  He let her hang on him. 

And afterward, I had a tired kid (or three).

Here's the thing. I have never met anyone who is a match for Cupcake's physical aggression AND gentle enough to handle her obnoxious strong  personality. 

Most teenagers think Stephanie's little sister is cute and precocious for about 5 minutes.  And then they're done and want her to leave them alone.  Many adults are patient and kind with her, but can't tolerate her sensory-seeking, high-energy need to be "athletically challenged". 

Josh was the perfect mix.

It was such a blessing to me to witness such a wild, high-octane, sweet exchange.  Sweeter yet, because Stephanie is secure enough in her friendship with Josh that she was not bothered by Cupcake trying to dominate the three-way relationship. 

For a moment in time, everything was right in my world.

And it was amazing!

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Read My Lips

What is the underlying message that you send your kids when they’re behavior is out of line?

Shame on you?

You’re bad?

I can’t believe you would do that?

What’s wrong with you?

Think about your body language.  

Consider your facial expression.  

What words do you choose?

Sometimes we can send these messages without even thinking about it. 

I know I do.

A few years ago, Cupcake was having a difficult time joining the family for dinner.  Defiantly,she ran downstairs.  I went down to try to calm her down and bring her back into the fold. 

I stood non-threateningly, with my palms open, trying to be cheerful.  My voice was light and gentle.

I said the right things. 

“Honey, we would love for you to join us at the table.  We want to spend time with you.  I made a nice dinner for you.”

She started screaming, “Stop that!!!  Stop it! I hate that!” 

Puzzled, I asked, “Stop what?  I don’t understand?”

“This!” She pursed her lips, not angry-like, but in a smile.  Just like me.  Something about that expression freaked her out, made her feel judged, unlovable. 

I have no clue as to why tight lips lead to such a dark place in my girl’s life, but now I know to avoid them because they don't convey the message I hope to send. 

What I want to say with my words, actions, face and body is:

I approve of you.

I’m on your side.

We’re in this together.

You’re safe with me.

I like you.

Now, let’s do something to correct your actions.

It's much easier to write about this than to practice it in real life.  But the more I practice, the more comfortable it feels.  Starting with "I approve of you." rather than "Shame on you." sets the tone for true relational parenting.

How about you?  What do you do to show your children that you approve of them, even when they have done the wrong thing?  What do you avoid?

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Be Still, My Heart!!!

Last night was a little rocky.  Not a lot of fun was had at our house after church, before bedtime. 

Cupcake went to bed with some unresolved feelings.

So did I. 

But, she woke up this morning to a new day (and a much rosier outlook.)  (Me, too.)

After school, she bounced in the door and handed me this:

Dear Mom I love

you so much your

the best thing that

ever happen to me

I love you a  alot

Mom.  Love (Cupcake)

Wow!  Is that sweet or what?

Plus, she drew a thin mom, with thick hair!  ;-)

It reminded me of this post from my friend, Lisa (One Thankful Mom).  I took Lisa's advice to heart, though I don't say things like that often. Still, I never thought I'd hear these words coming from my little girl.

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Baby Talk

Kids from hard places often fall into baby-talk.  They will babble, allowing their tongue to get in the way, raise their pitch, and soften the volume. This can be puzzling, annoying and unnerving to us moms.  

It is my non-expert opinion that this comes from a deep need to be nurtured with unconditional love.

What do you do with this behavior?

We have tried all kinds of things.  Some were somewhat successful.  Other ideas crashed and burned.

We've had two strategies that have seemed to meet the need and bring our child back to a place of maturity in the end.

When the baby talk starts, I hold her in my arms and talk to her like a little baby, calling her precious and beautiful and loved.  I gaze into her eyes, smile, and coo.  Sometimes, she will put things in her mouth or reach for dangerous things.  I will "No, no." her like a mom of a toddler.  Then, when she asks for big kid stuff, I will say, "Oh no.  We don't let babies have ..."  At that point , she is usually ready to be a big girl again.

The other strategy that has worked wonders lately is what I call "Wii MySims" language.  The Wii characteres only talk in gibberish that is only understood by inflection and cadence.  So, when I hear the baby-talk, I smile brightly, and begin speaking gibberish - high, light, silly baby-talk with lots of laughing.  Sometimes, I give her the "I don't understand?"  or the "What?  Me?" sound.  Sometimes, I give her a silly "You're in big trouble now," finger-wagging.  Inevitably, we both end up giggling.  It has become a playful way to give her what she needs and keep things light-hearted.  This is also one that Steve loves to use with her.    

What do you think?  Any other great ideas?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Reactive Coping Behaviors

I am currently reading and taking notes on Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen.  The following ideas were taken pretty much directly from her book.

Kids who are adopted (especially internationally) tend to react to their new surroundings in one (or more) of these five ways.  These are coping behaviors.  When a child is stressed out beyond their ability to cope, they turn to these.  Patty Cogen uses great word pictures to help us remember them...

1.  The Warm Rock - The warm rock is withdrawn, falls asleep, shuts down.
2.  The Stunned Rag Doll - This child is withdrawn, and stunned at her losses.
3.  The Dizzy Performer - This is the child who is independent and charming, wants everyone to look at her, but has no behavioral or emotional control.
4.  The Royal Boss - The royal boss is a control freak with no self-control.
5.  The Unwilling Guest - This child feels trapped, angry, and disconnected.

I would have to classify Cupcake as a cross between Dizzy Performer and Royal Boss.  When she first came home, she would literally dance in the center of a crowd and yell, "EVERYBODY!  LOOK AT ME!  LOOK AT ME!!"  She would never stop moving all day long.  And her volume was LOUD!  Charming?  She was a master charmer.  Any ususpecting adult would be putty in her hands.  Was she a control freak?  By all means.  She wanted to orchestrate every moment of the day.  She was going to run this house...and if someone took control from her...LOOK OUT!

These are all great survival skills.  It's a way to get your needs met when you have no one looking out for you. 

Great skills for family life?  Not so much.

I am happy to report that she rarely falls back into her reactive coping behaviors anymore.  However, they are her drug of choice when she feels overwhelmed. 

So, for all you adoptive parents out there?  What about your children?  Are these catagories fairly accurate?  Where do your kids fall?  Did you see this even in your easy-adjustment children?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Hey, Mr. Bad Guy...

Note:  This post was written a while ago.

Hey Mr. Bad Guy,


You are slowly losing your grip on my daughter as the King of Kings holds her tighter.


Two things happened in the last 24 hours that reminded me of your loss of power over her life.  Read it and weep, Mr. Bad Guy.

Sincerely,
Mama Bear Mamita




Yesterday, Cupcake came home from school with a paper she had written. 

Her stories tend to reveal deep fears and a hopeless outlook.  It has been the theme of her life.

For instance, during play therapy, we would go into the playroom and play "family".  Pretty soon, a bad guy would come and take the baby away.  I would call the police and go rescue the baby myself.  Before I could get her, the bad guy would come again and take the baby to a new place.  Or I would get her home, and within 5 seconds another bad guy would come.  Over and over again.

Never a happy ending.

Never quite safe.

That's what my daughter has lived with her whole life.  :-(

It's called hyper-vigilance.


We haven't played "family" at therapy for a few months, and I had forgotten how intense her feelings had been and how hopeless the story always was.

Until yesterday.

The following paper was handwritten by my little one.  I've edited the spelling/grammar for your reading pleasure.  You may be shocked at the content and intensity coming from a 2nd grader.  This was written from her experience and her imagination.

The Case of the Clue Club

There was a little girl in the park and she saw a man walking and looking at her.  Then she started to walk faster and faster.  Then she ran into someone she didn't know.  They said, "Hi" to her and she said "Hi" back.  Then he started pulling her to his car and he pushed her in the car.  Then he tied her up and then they were at his home.  It looked pretty on the inside but on the outside it looked all dirty.  When they got in it was bedtime and in the middle of the night she escaped from the house and ran home to her mom and dad and sisters and brothers.  They were so glad to see her again.  She was happy to see them too.  They went out for ice cream to celebrate.  There was a big party.  Her friends were there at the party.  That was really fun.  Then the man came to the party and she ran away because she thought that he was going to take her back to his home.  So she ran home but he was chasing.  He said "I am so sorry for taking you away." and she said, "That is okay."

A happy ending, forgiveness, and redemption all in one story! 

WIN!  :-D

...................................................................

This morning, the news was on back in my bedroom.  Cupcake ran back to grab something.  She comes running out, yelling "MOM!  MOM!  YOU'VE GOT TO COME SEE THIS!!!!!"  She grabs my hand and literally pulls me down the hall with all her strength.

This is what she saw...

http://video.foxnews.com/v/1442200775001/-year-old-fights-off-kidnapper-in-georgia?intcmp=features

(It's the video of the 7-year-old in Georgia that fought off a would-be abductor in Walmart.)

Let me tell you, there were high-fives and victory dances all around!  She was so happy for that little girl and so grateful that she got away.  It was exhilerating for her to see the bad guy got caught and was going to jail.  The world is a safer place for my little girl tonight.

I don't think it was a coincidence that my girl saw that news story.  I'm a news junkie, but the news is rarely on at our house - the internet fits my time constraints better.  It seems like every time she catches a news story it's about a little girl who gets away and the bad guy gets caught.  What are the chances?  I think God is orchestrating her healing in His time and in His way.  Sometimes I get impatient with the process (and the girl), but I know that God  is working in her life in spite of me.  That brings me peace, confidence, comfort and deep joy.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Random Notes on Therapeutic Parenting

I am currently reading and taking notes on Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen.  This book brings to light so many important points and causes my brain to web all over the place.  :-)  This is my attempt to process, retain, and apply the tremendous principles discussed in the book.  This is a mish-mash of her thoughts and mine.  Please join me as I ramble.

These are some things to keep in mind early in the placement and to continue to consider as your child grows.

Attachment in kids with complex backgrounds may not will not be a stable, upward curve.  It will be erratic and jumpy.  Gains are thrilling, but they might be lost at the first sign of stress.  Things you thought you'd beaten come back when you least expect it.  It's two steps forward, one step back.  (Sometimes, you fall backward off the cliff.)  That's the nature of the beast.  This requires long-term intervention.  It's a lifetime commitment.

Be the detective.  Think about what your child may have lived through that would cause this fear/behavior.  Even if it's not what really happened (a lot of it is a guessing game), it will help you to see your child through the eyes of compassion.

Respond immediately to needs.  It will not spoil them.  If needs are never met immediately, your child will never mature past "baby".

Early on, behave as if the child asked appropriately.  If your newly adopted child screams for water, give them water.  Then show them how civilized people ask for water.  You would never deprive a baby her milk because she cried for it.  This newly adopted child needs to know that her voice matters.  She needs to know that you care and that you will meet her needs.  There will be a time to learn ettiquette later.

There are no easy if/then parenting scenarios when parenting kids from hard places.  It will require getting to the core issues.  In order to heal they must deal with the gut-wrenching big questions.  Sometimes you will find something that "works" to stop a behavior, but more often, you will need to bring your child to a new way of thinking/feeling in order for the behavior to stop.  This is hard work, but it is incredibly rewarding. 

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Proactive Parenting

I've been reading this amazing book called Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen.  I've read a lot adoption books in the last 6 years.  This one is chock full of great insight and practical tools.  So much so, that I am taking notes as I go, so I can remember and apply this stuff.

Therapeutic parenting is the best way to parent.   Period.  It is the narrow gate that allows kids from hard places to recover and heal in a family setting.  But it is an awesome way to parent your regular, typical kids, because it focuses on relationship and deeply understanding your child.  That's good for all kids. 

Here on the blog, I will be reviewing my notes and thinking out loud.  You're invited to follow along on my journey.  I will only be covering some of the things that really strike me in the book.  You should get the book and read it yourself.  Really.

Patty Cogen begins by defining proactive parenting.  Simply put, it means that the parent should primarily be the initiator in the relationship, rather than the responder. 

Ouch.

As it relates to Cupcake, I get high marks.
 
However...

With the big kids...

When they were younger, I initiated the relationship. But as the kids got more independent, as Cupcake's needs overshadowed all other needs, and as I battled physical and emotional exhaustion, I stopped (or slowed down) making the effort to just love on my big kids.  I don't like that.

It's time for a change.

What do you do to proactively parent your teenagers?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Trauma Mamas Must Read

My friend, Lisa, over at One Thankful Mom had a very inspiring post for all parents of "kids from hard places" today. 

I love Lisa's heart and today she nailed it. Go read it. :-)  You will be blessed.

One Thankful Mom - My Learning Curve:  Never Give Up

Blessings to you,
Mamita

A Reply to Missy

I received a really sweet and thought-provoking comment on my post about Therapeutic Parenting 501. Missy brought up a whole lot that really struck a chord with me. Missy said:

As I sit reading and examining my relationship with my 'strong willed' child, I ask myself - could there be an underlying trauma, about which I am unaware? I've examined several other possibilities and have come up empty handed. Still, the daily interactions with 'SW' child leave me drained, taxed, flustered, confused, and sometimes tearful. Thank you for reminding me about the patient and compassionate part of my role in his life.

Let me just start by saying: Everything I ever learned about human nature, I learned from Cupcake.

Cupcake changed everything for me. Her life is an exaggeration of human nature. A "normal" kid can absorb a lot of hurt and carry that around without it affecting behavior. Cupcake can't do that. When she feels rejected, insulted, threatened or {name your hurt here}, it comes out in her behavior.   The night-and-day difference in her demeanor when she feels safe and loved is undeniable.

What I once saw as pesky, disobedient, undisciplined, or spoiled, I now see in light of a hurt, fearful, and self-protective worldview. Karyn Purvis stated at Empowered to Connect, that she assumes every child she works with is wounded.   I found this viewpoint to be very helpful in dealing with all kids.  There are times when I have no idea why a behavior comes up, but if assume it's from a place of hurt or fear, I can respond in love, rather than react in anger.  When you see a child (or adult) as fragile, you treat them with much more gentleness, compassion and respect.

I strongly suspect that most strong-willed kids feel the need to be in control because their world feels unsafe. According to this article by Esther Giller, psychological trauma is created when a person experiences a traumatic situation or event and it overwhelms their ability to cope. That means that any event or situation that leaves a child feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, scared, or unsettled can potentially result in typical trauma behaviors (defiance, aggression, seeking control, and manipulation). The existence of trauma and the level of harm, then, lies within the one who experienced it.

What I mean is: The same event can affect two people in completely different ways, and seemingly small hurts can severely distress a child. It doesn't have to be a big "T" trauma. For instance, when I took Driver's Education back in the day, my instructor was a football coach. He taught me like he taught everybody.  Using reverse psychology, he would insult us and forecast a bleek future, hoping we would be motivated to prove him wrong.  I heard, “You're never going to learn to drive." Or "If you don't get this right, I'm going to flunk you." My classmates just shrugged it off - That's just the way he is. But not me. I was so intimidated, I couldn't think. It affected me physically. And once I grew up, it still had a hold of me. I've forgiven him and worked through it, but, even now, I still feel stress in my abdomen whenever I think of Driver's Ed.   And that's a little 't' trauma, for sure.

One other thing that I've learned on this journey is that trauma and the feelings of the world being unsafe can happen very early in life - prenatally. This is so hard for us to wrap our heads around, but if a pregnancy is difficult, high-stress, or if something happened to the mom that was traumatic or stressful during pregnancy, the child has a significantly higher risk of being anxious, hyper-vigilant, fearful, aggressive, dissociative (withdrawing into themselves), depressed, etc. This stuff can be hard-wired at birth. The good news is that the brain is amazing and can be re-wired to a certain extent.   It'll take a lot of work and the right information, but it can be done.

I also believe that the kids that are the most "out of whack" are the most sensitive. They have been hurt the deepest. They require the gentlest care. The ones who are aggressive, defiant, self-harming, even those who appear prideful and self-centered, are the kids who have been hurt so badly that they feel they can't afford to let anyone ever hurt them or control them again. This is also true for those who shut others out and withdraw inside themselves. These kids need more nuture, not stronger punishment.

Well, Missy, I bet you didn't know your comment was such a loaded question. ;-) Thank you for inspiring me to get on my soapbox. J

But wait! There's more…the second part of Missy's comment inspired even more thoughts.


Blessings to you,

Mamita


 

Therapeutic Parenting 501

This is the advanced course.

Don't worry, I won't hold your score against you if you've never parented a child from hard places.  :-)


THE TEST:

Please read the following story and answer the questions that follow.

The Story:

Traumatized Child (TC) is picked up from school in a good mood.  Everything went well for the day.  TC asks, "What are we doing now?"  Mother answers, "We need to go pick up your brother from his class.  (Note:  This is the first day of teenage brother's class.  The mom of a homeschool acquaintance picked him up to take him to class.  Mother would be bringing both boys home.)  After a good healthy snack, Mother and TC drive to location of class, enjoying a fine conversation.  On the way, Mother mentions that she needs to remember to pay the teacher when she gets there.  Arriving before class lets out, the Mother rolls down the windows of van and allows daughter to sit in passenger seat while they cheerfully chat together.

After a short time, the door to the home opens, the Teacher stands in the doorway, one Homeschool Mom and several boys exit the house and walk toward their cars.  Mother says to TC, "I'm going to go pay the Teacher.  I'll be right back.  Mother walks to front door, pays Teacher while maitaining line-of-sight with TC, and stops to chat with Homeschool Mom.  Homeschool Mom has a wide range of well-behaved children who are all flourishing in their activities.  Meanwhile, brother and his friend climb in the van.  Conversation moves on to upcoming class schedule.  Unexpectedly, TC puts on her Miss Sassypants attitude, hangs out the window, hand on hip, and loudly demands, "Mother, Get your butt over here this minute!"

Essay:

1. What just happened? What is the reason for TC's behavior? All clues are in text.


Multiple Choice:

2. How long did it take the Mother to figure out what actually happened here?
A. 3 Seconds
B. 3 Minutes
C. 3 Hours
D. 3 Weeks

3. What is the Mother's primary emotion?
A. Joy
B. Embarrassment
C. Compassion
D. Pride in her little angel

4. What is Mother's reaction?
A. Bewilderment
B. Flushed Face
C. Angry Eyes, Low Growl
D. "I will give you one.more.chance to try.it.again."
E. All of the above

5. What is the Homeschool Mom's reaction?
A. Properly Horrified
B. Judgemental
C. Thoughts of "What a spoiled brat!" and "That kid needs a good spank!"
D. Awkward Moment
E. Unknown. It does not matter.


The Story Continues:
The moms return to their conversation.  TC again speaks up, this time pouring on the charm, "Mother, please get your bottom over here now."  Mother turns to TC and firmly tells her, "One minute."  TC jumps out of van, walks over to talking women and attempts to interrupt their conversation.  Mother quickly excuses herself and steps to van, breathing deeply as she approaches.  Once in the van, TC politely asks Mother for a Tootsie Roll.  Mother firmly declines, siting the disrespect that just occurred.  {insert lecture here}  Later that evening, Mother asks TC to write an "I'm sorry" letter to the Homeschool Mom and Teacher.  TC readily complies.  She seems genuinely sorry for her outburst, and apologizes to Mother.     


True/False:

6.  T/F  TC's second attempt to get her Mother's attention actually showed improvement.

7.  T/F  Lectures are useful.  The lecture sealed the deal for repentance.

8.  T/F  This Mother did everything right and ought to be commended for her brilliant parenting skills.

9.  T/F  Disrespect is perfectly acceptable behavior.  It should be ignored so as not to damage this child's self esteem.

10. T/F  Everything has been resolved and all relationships are set right. 

---------------------------------------------------------------

Are you ready for the answers?

1.  What really happened?  TC is freaked out because a somewhat strange boy/man got in the van with her brother.  Her Mother did not seem to notice this alarming situation.  TC is oversensitive to feelings of danger due to her early trauma.  TC knows that her Mother is safe and will come when called (unless she is summoned by an obnoxious tyrant).  TC also likes attention.  TC thinks sassy is charming and funny.  When the alarm did not bring the needed Mother, her brain re-worked the message to a gentler, but still urgent phrase.  TC makes a last-ditch-effort to go get her Mother.  Once Mother was safely in the van, all danger was gone and normal operations resumed.  Later, TC was genuinely sorry for her outburst.

2.  D.  Yes, it took three weeks of contemplating the situation to figure out what really happened.  This story is true and I didn't even include all of the variables.  Therapeutic parenting is HARD.  There are no easy answers.  You have to get into your child's world in order to figure out their strange behavior and reactions.

3.  B.  Embarrassment is the primary emotion.  Anger is secondary.  Embarrassment remained my primary emotion every time I remembered the situation during the 3 weeks it took me to get to the bottom of things.  Once I saw the situation through my daughter's eyes, the primary emotion became compassion. 

4.  E.  All of the above.  Yes, I did.  Not my greatest parenting moment.

5.  E.  It doesn't matter what the other mom thinks.  The greatest concern for a therapeutic mother is to be the right kind of parent, regardless of tsk- tsks, raised eyebrows, gasps, unwanted advice, or pursed lips.  Focus on what the child needs. Being the best mom to this child right now is the priority.

6.  T.  Recognizing the effort would have been worth bonus points in our relationship, even if the world does not appreciate the subtle nuances in tone and wording.

7.  F.  Lectures are not useful.  What TC heard:  "That was very disrespectful...blah...blah...blah..blah..blah...."

8.  F.  This Mother failed on several counts, most notably not going directly to the child to handle the exchange immediately.

Mother succeeded in:

• Healthy snack
• Cheerful attitude at the start
• Reminded TC she would be right back
• Maintained line-of-sight
• Recognized her own bewilderment and anger 
• Did not react immediately in full blown rage
• Waiting until later to work toward making things right

9.  F.  The child must be corrected.  Disrespect is unacceptable.  A child will feel less self-esteem if she is allowed to continue to disrespect adults and authorities in her life.  However, harsh, punitive, and consequence-driven methods will not work, and they will certainly not get to the heart of the problem.

10.  F.  All relationships were not restored until Mother recognized what really happened and apologized for not coming over immediately.  Then TC shared how scared she was.  They hugged.  Then all was right in their world.  One more brick in the bridge to attachment is laid in place, even though both Mother and Traumatized Child messed up at the start.

I write this not-so-flattering account in the form of a test for two sets of eyes. 

For the other trauma mamas out there, please learn to look for and pick up on subtle clues. Learn from my mistakes.  We can do so much right, and still miss the point.  It is HARD to figure out what is really going on with our kids' hearts.  It is HARD to maintain composure when faced with these kinds of behaviors.  It is  HARD to act in love and concern when there is steam coming out of our ears.  But keep plugging away!  Replay the ugly scenes in your mind again.  Did you miss a clue?  Pray for guidance.  Even when we both failed, in the end connection was made.  Don't give up.  Don't lose heart.  Your child needs you.

For friends, family, and innocent bystanders, please understand that my child is not a bad kid.  She is a hurt, scared kid with a big, bad attitude act as a coping skill.  She doesn't need a good spank.  What you see on the surface is only a picture of what's going on in the heart.  Please see that therapeutic parenting goes so much deeper than making bad behavior stop.  No amount of techniques and behavioral modifications are going to get to the heart of the matter.  My kid puzzles me.  Sometimes, I'm trying to assess the situation, sometimes I'm trying to figure out the best course of action, sometimes I'm purposefully not reacting in order to get my own emotions in check.  Please cut me and other parents some slack.  This is the hardest job we've ever done.  It wears us out physically and emotionally.  Encouragement does a lot more for us than advice. 

I want to be sure to note that the Homeschool Mom in the story above did not appear to pass judgement on us.  She was very gracious, though I'm sure the whole scene made her quite uncomfortable.  This was only taken from what I would have thought if I had been her.  :-) 

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Freeze Wrestling

We have a fun game that Cupcake loves.  I like to play, because I have the easy job.  :-)

It's called Freeze Wrestling.

Equipment needed:
1 Strong and Playful Daddy.
1 Wild Child.
1 Keeper of the Light (That's me.).
1 wrestling surface.
1 dark room.
1 flashlight.

Object: 
To giggle as much as possible, while expending enormous amounts of energy and building attachment.

Game Play:
Dad and Child take their places on the wrestling surface.  Mom turns off the light.  Wrestling ensues.  When Keeper of the Light shines the flashlight on wrestlers, they must freeze in the position they were caught in.   When the flashlight goes off, wrestling commences.  Game is over when Daddy is tired.  Everybody wins.  (Except maybe Daddy, who's exhausted.)

Enjoy our fun. For these shots, we played with a camera instead of a flashlight.

 

 

This one was after the game, right before the body slam...

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Our Two-Sided Rage

I try very hard to strike a balance between being real and transparent, and protecting our family’s privacy, while always honoring God. 

It’s hard when reality doesn’t honor God, and when being transparent means being vulnerable... 

So, here goes...

 

I will be honest about my struggles.  I don’t want to portray that I’m a perfect therapeutic mother, and only my child has “issues”.   

So, I'll expose my faults.  

They say you're only as sick as your secrets.

Those who know me in real life would probably characterize me as laid-back, easy-going, flexible, patient, and friendly.  They might say I have a sharp tongue or haughty eyes, but I don't think anyone would say that I have a fiery temper or a short fuse.


But...

                                                                                          

I’d be lying if I told you that I never had intense feelings of rage toward my little sweetheart.  There are times when I’ve thought the words that "Other Mother" said.  Once in a while, I mutter some of them under my breath.  Sometimes, in anger, I say things I regret. At times, I can be downright scary.

This deep, intense rage...It's different from anything I've ever known.  It comes bursting up from seemingly nowhere in the heat of battle pulsing through every fiber of my being...Just when calm and therapeutic would be most helpful.

So, what does this mean? 

• I'm human.  I fall short.  I have rotten days. 
• Sometimes, my stress level is through the roof.
• Raising a kid from hard places is way more demanding than raising most home-grown kids.  
• My precious child is uncovering layers of me that I did not know existed.   
• I have rage in me.    

That means that I have to work on me if I want to lead Cupcake into healing.

One thing that I picked up from Empowered to Connect was that we adoptive parents want to make this all about healing our kids from their wounds.  But, in reality, their trauma brings our unresolved issues and our weakness to the forefront.  And, actually,  their healing is very dependent on our healing.  

Our kids were put into our lives for a purpose.  They challenge us to become whole.  The journey to wholeness is painful, exhausting, and scary, yet totally worth it.  Finding wholeness requires us to truly examine our own lives.  We need to look into not only our past, but our expectations, our worldview, our framework for parenting, our pride, our character...everything has to be pulled out and evaluated.  We must make changes if we are going to make progress.

One thing for sure, Cupcake has revealed the true me to me.  

Sometimes, I don't like her very much - the true me, that is.  

It's amazing how little I know about myself.

I ponder where all my rage is coming from.  Perhaps a lot has to do with my pride, the god of convenience, and my fears.  I really like to be right, to look well put together, and for things to be smooth and easy.  And my fears...I could easily write a series of posts on my fears.

But then, I must remember:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

                                            2 Tim 1:7

I truly believe that God is using this to sand off my rough edges, to make me whole, and to exercise my trust in Him.  

It would sure be easier if I were perfect.  :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita 

Two-Sided Rage

I received a comment on my last post that got me thinking.   Nora was concerned that I was saying that rage from both sides was acceptable.  (This is in reference to the Raising a Traumatized Child blog, where the mom (“Other Mother”) had moments of intense rage against her raging son.  “Other Mother” would, at times, cuss, or think or say hurtful or unkind words in the heat of battle.  Nora has a valid point, yet I think it's important to understand what's really going on in these highly volatile relationships.

So...

I can really relate to "Other Mother".

But... 

I want to be perfectly clear here.  I am not condoning rage as a valid response to an out-of-control child.  Raging against a child is not okay.  It is not right to verbally or physically assault a person.   Taking out your anger on someone else (especially little people) is wrong.  That’s why the Bible tells us to get rid of all rage.  So, I’m not saying that raging at your kids is okay.

I am saying that it is a very real truth that an angry, defiant, raging, violent, destructive child will often bring forth rage in their parents.  Not that the child causes the rage.  The child merely exposes the rage that was already there. 

Let me say that again.

The child merely exposes the rage that was already there. 

And sometimes, we therapeutic moms feel it come bubbling up from the depths of our hearts.

Ugh.

And it's not right, but it does happen.  

So where does this rage come from and how do we get rid of it?  Any suggestions?

Blessings to you,

Mamita