Life With Mamita

Random Notes on Therapeutic Parenting

2012-02-16T09:08:00.000-06:00

I am currently reading and taking notes on Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen. This book brings to light so many important points and causes my brain to web all over the place. :-) This is my attempt to process, retain, and apply the tremendous principles discussed in the book. This is a mish-mash of her thoughts and mine. Please join me as I ramble.

These are some things to keep in mind early in the placement and to continue to consider as your child grows.

Attachment in kids with complex backgrounds ~~may not~~ will not be a stable, upward curve. It will be erratic and jumpy. Gains are thrilling, but they might be lost at the first sign of stress. Things you thought you'd beaten come back when you least expect it. It's two steps forward, one step back. (Sometimes, you fall backward off the cliff.) That's the nature of the beast. This requires long-term intervention. It's a lifetime commitment.

Be the detective. Think about what your child may have lived through that would cause this fear/behavior. Even if it's not what really happened (a lot of it is a guessing game), it will help you to see your child through the eyes of compassion.

Respond immediately to needs. It will not spoil them. If needs are never met immediately, your child will never mature past "baby".

Early on, behave as if the child asked appropriately. If your newly adopted child screams for water, give them water. Then show them how civilized people ask for water. You would never deprive a baby her milk because she cried for it. This newly adopted child needs to know that her voice matters. She needs to know that you care and that you will meet her needs. There will be a time to learn ettiquette later.

There are no easy if/then parenting scenarios when parenting kids from hard places. It will require getting to the core issues. In order to heal they must deal with the gut-wrenching big questions. Sometimes you will find something that "works" to stop a behavior, but more often, you will need to bring your child to a new way of thinking/feeling in order for the behavior to stop. This is hard work, but it is incredibly rewarding.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Proactive Parenting

2012-02-02T19:31:00.000-06:00

I've been reading this amazing book called Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen. I've read a lot adoption books in the last 6 years. This one is chock full of great insight and practical tools. So much so, that I am taking notes as I go, so I can remember and apply this stuff.

Therapeutic parenting is the best way to parent. Period. It is the narrow gate that allows kids from hard places to recover and heal in a family setting. But it is an awesome way to parent your regular, typical kids, because it focuses on relationship and deeply understanding your child. That's good for all kids.

Here on the blog, I will be reviewing my notes and thinking out loud. You're invited to follow along on my journey. I will only be covering some of the things that really strike me in the book. You should get the book and read it yourself. Really.

Patty Cogen begins by defining proactive parenting. Simply put, it means that the parent should primarily be the initiator in the relationship, rather than the responder.

Ouch.

As it relates to Cupcake, I get high marks.

However...

With the big kids...

When they were younger, I initiated the relationship. But as the kids got more independent, as Cupcake's needs overshadowed all other needs, and as I battled physical and emotional exhaustion, I stopped (or slowed down) making the effort to just love on my big kids. I don't like that.

It's time for a change.

What do you do to proactively parent your teenagers?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Still Here

2012-02-01T15:30:00.000-06:00

I'm still here. I just have not been able to find the time to type in my thoughts. I've been reading a wonderful book on adoption parenting. It is so good, I'm taking notes and I hope to bring you on my journey. The book is "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen.

http://www.pattycogenparenting.info/

We've had lots of stuff going on at home. Cupcake is in a happy zone right now and has been doing okay.

We're just busy, busy, busy.

I hope to check in again soon with something worthwhile to say. :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Christmas Joy

2011-12-26T15:43:00.000-06:00

Favorite Christmas Pics...

The reaction from Aunt/Uncle gifts...

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

(Perhaps the best line from the best swordfighting movie ever...)

It's a promise ring. (I promise not to hit my sister.) :-)

What happens when the youngest child is up at 5:30 on Christmas morn...

(Notice: There are no pictures of said youngest child napping.

We did find her crashed on her bed at 9:00 pm last night, though.)

The Princess carries a weapon.

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Talent Show

2011-12-18T20:20:00.000-06:00

Friday was Cupcake's Talent Show at school.

Twice a year, their music teacher holds a talent show, just to get the kids used to being up in front of people with a microphone. It is always a special show. I love watching the kids grow up and get more confident each year.

Cupcake has a hard time learning the words to songs, so she usually sings with a friend. She made a lot of progress this past year. It was her best performance yet. :-)

Sorry for little Miss Blankface. I didn't get her mom's permission .

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Just for Fun

2011-12-09T22:56:00.000-06:00

Favorite Picture from this fall:

Another ~~wrestling match~~ cheerleading session:

The Trust Fall:

The Trust Hold:

Trust Me, I'm Takin' You Down!

Having fun with the attitude:

Real life Face Goo:

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Trauma Mamas Must Read

2011-12-05T22:08:00.000-06:00

My friend, Lisa, over at One Thankful Mom had a very inspiring post for all parents of "kids from hard places" today.

I love Lisa's heart and today she nailed it. Go read it. :-) You will be blessed.

One Thankful Mom - My Learning Curve: Never Give Up

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Book Review: Choosing To See

2011-11-19T22:44:00.000-06:00

On May 21, 2008, Steve and I were in Guatemala City, joyfully welcoming our nearly-5-year-old Cupcake into our family.

Three thousand miles away, Steven Curtis (Contemporary Christian musician) and Mary Beth Chapman were living every parent's worst nightmare - experiencing the tragic death of their just-barely-5-year-old adopted daughter, Maria.

I had prayed for the Chapmans since that day. Their family was heavy on my heart, especially every time I heard the song "Cinderella" on the radio.

So, when I had the opportunity to read Mary Beth's book, Choosing to See, I jumped right in.

Mary Beth is an incredibly talented storyteller. She weaves her story as part of God's larger tapestry. At times, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Other times, I bawled as she brought me into the valley with her. Each passage is honest, transparent, and vulnerable.

This is a raw, painful glimpse into the heart of a mother. It's a memoir of a life lived for God. It is a memorial to the precious girl who now dances with her Heavenly Father. It is a testimony to God's faithfulness in the face of a worst-case-scenario. It is the story of a sure hope that is not seen. It is the story of choosing to see hope in the gentle hints of our loving God.

I give "Choosing to See" two thumbs up. I highly recommend it.

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Something to Think About...

2011-11-11T17:35:00.000-06:00

I've been following the Compassion Bloggers on their trip to Equador.

I love what Compassion International does for communities, for people.

So, Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience has been making me cry.

As I was sniffing through her post, I read this:

Don’t we all need a reference letter from the poor when we meet Christ?

...and my world stopped in space and time for a moment.

What if Jesus asks for a letter of reference from the poor when I meet Him face to face?

Could I present one to Him?

Could you get a letter - a personal reference? Not from the "masses" that you've helped because of your good ideas, but from flesh and blood people who are grateful that you care.

Could you get one from...

the poor
the sick
the weak
the vulnerable
the old
the unborn
the incarcerated
the orphan
the hopeless
the lost
the dying

??????????????????????

Sobering question, isn't it?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Positive Words - Days 11-14

2011-11-03T21:14:00.000-05:00

I've had laryngitis since Sunday. Every word is such an effort that I've needed to think through every little thing I say before it comes out of my mouth.

So there, laryngitis is a blessing. :-)

That was a very tough challenge. It really made me aware of how much negative stuff really does come out. And the thoughts that I didn't say...let's just say that I haven't arrived yet.

⁷ All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, ⁸ but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. James 3:7-10

Blessings to you,
Mamita

A Reply to Missy

2011-11-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

I received a really sweet and thought-provoking comment on my post about Therapeutic Parenting 501. Missy brought up a whole lot that really struck a chord with me. Missy said:

As I sit reading and examining my relationship with my 'strong willed' child, I ask myself - could there be an underlying trauma, about which I am unaware? I've examined several other possibilities and have come up empty handed. Still, the daily interactions with 'SW' child leave me drained, taxed, flustered, confused, and sometimes tearful. Thank you for reminding me about the patient and compassionate part of my role in his life.

Let me just start by saying: Everything I ever learned about human nature, I learned from Cupcake.

Cupcake changed everything for me. Her life is an exaggeration of human nature. A "normal" kid can absorb a lot of hurt and carry that around without it affecting behavior. Cupcake can't do that. When she feels rejected, insulted, threatened or {name your hurt here}, it comes out in her behavior. The night-and-day difference in her demeanor when she feels safe and loved is undeniable.

What I once saw as pesky, disobedient, undisciplined, or spoiled, I now see in light of a hurt, fearful, and self-protective worldview. Karyn Purvis stated at Empowered to Connect, that she assumes every child she works with is wounded. I found this viewpoint to be very helpful in dealing with all kids. There are times when I have no idea why a behavior comes up, but if assume it's from a place of hurt or fear, I can respond in love, rather than react in anger. When you see a child (or adult) as fragile, you treat them with much more gentleness, compassion and respect.

I strongly suspect that most strong-willed kids feel the need to be in control because their world feels unsafe. According to this article by Esther Giller, psychological trauma is created when a person experiences a traumatic situation or event and it overwhelms their ability to cope. That means that any event or situation that leaves a child feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, scared, or unsettled can potentially result in typical trauma behaviors (defiance, aggression, seeking control, and manipulation). The existence of trauma and the level of harm, then, lies within the one who experienced it.

What I mean is: The same event can affect two people in completely different ways, and seemingly small hurts can severely distress a child. It doesn't have to be a big "T" trauma. For instance, when I took Driver's Education back in the day, my instructor was a football coach. He taught me like he taught everybody. Using reverse psychology, he would insult us and forecast a bleek future, hoping we would be motivated to prove him wrong. I heard, “You're never going to learn to drive." Or "If you don't get this right, I'm going to flunk you." My classmates just shrugged it off - That's just the way he is. But not me. I was so intimidated, I couldn't think. It affected me physically. And once I grew up, it still had a hold of me. I've forgiven him and worked through it, but, even now, I still feel stress in my abdomen whenever I think of Driver's Ed. And that's a little 't' trauma, for sure.

One other thing that I've learned on this journey is that trauma and the feelings of the world being unsafe can happen very early in life - prenatally. This is so hard for us to wrap our heads around, but if a pregnancy is difficult, high-stress, or if something happened to the mom that was traumatic or stressful during pregnancy, the child has a significantly higher risk of being anxious, hyper-vigilant, fearful, aggressive, dissociative (withdrawing into themselves), depressed, etc. This stuff can be hard-wired at birth. The good news is that the brain is amazing and can be re-wired to a certain extent. It'll take a lot of work and the right information, but it can be done.

I also believe that the kids that are the most "out of whack" are the most sensitive. They have been hurt the deepest. They require the gentlest care. The ones who are aggressive, defiant, self-harming, even those who appear prideful and self-centered, are the kids who have been hurt so badly that they feel they can't afford to let anyone ever hurt them or control them again. This is also true for those who shut others out and withdraw inside themselves. These kids need more nuture, not stronger punishment.

Well, Missy, I bet you didn't know your comment was such a loaded question. ;-) Thank you for inspiring me to get on my soapbox. J

But wait! There's more…the second part of Missy's comment inspired even more thoughts.

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Positive Words - Days 7-10

2011-10-30T13:52:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were okay.

Cupcake stayed home sick Wednesday, and I thought it might be a real challenge, but Sugar stepped up to the plate and played quiet games with her. She's a rock star! Thank you, Sugar.

Saturday went great until the end. Things spiraled down into a toxic vortex in a matter of minutes. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I'm still not sure what happened.

Positive Words - Day 5 + 6

2011-10-25T21:57:00.000-05:00

I do not recall any negative words from Monday. Monday seems like 5 years ago.

Today, I mumbled many unkind things in traffic. Tuesdays are SO HARD, because I'm in the car ALL DAY LONG...and it's SO EASY to complain about other drivers because they can't hear me. I would never say that stuff to their faces. I guess I'm no better than rude anonymous commenters, huh? God is really working on me on this one.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Positive Words - Day 4

2011-10-25T19:01:00.000-05:00

Sunday was smooth sailing, except for some little glitches before church. We'll call them the "Biscuit Incident" and "Snarky Girls". It's amazing how little things can make the stress level go from 0 to 60 in a millisecond. But I think I held my tongue.

After my epic fail Saturday, I spent the day very angry with myself and pretty angry with my daughter. I was a miserable piece of cheese.

In the late afternnon, I had a thought...."What if she loses her hearing and what I said is the last thing she ever hears me say?"

It turned my heart around in an instant. Confessions, apologies and hugs followed.

So, tonight, I ask you, "What if your child went deaf, and the last thing you said to her is the last thing she ever heard?"

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Praise God

2011-10-24T16:15:00.000-05:00

We had Cupcake's hearing tested this morning.

Everything looks great!

Her hearing has not changed at all!

That leaves us with two possibilities. Either she is choosing not to listen or she is too distracted and preoccupied with everything in her life to actually hear us. Or some combination of both.

Either way, we'll take it. :-D

Thank you for the prayers.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Cupcake's Hearing

2011-10-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

The first year Cupcake was here, we learned that she is deaf in her right ear. Her left ear hears normally (slightly better than average). In February '09, we found out why. Cupcake has cochlear malformations in both ears. The ENT (Ears, Nose and Throat Dr.) told us that when kids are born with this, they are typically profoundly deaf in both ears. She had never seen a child that could hear at all with this particular defect.

Until she met Cupcake. :-)

Since the doctors don't know why she can hear, they could not guarantee that her good ear would hold out. It could gradually get worse over time, or it could suddenly stop working for no apparent reason. Or it could continue working throughout her life.

So, if she loses hearing in her good ear, it's a big deal.

This week, Cupcake is complaining of not being able to hear well. She's saying, "What?" and "Huh?" a lot. :-(

We're concerned. :-(

We are going down to Children's Hospital tomorrow to have them check it out.

We're hoping for ear wax or an ear infection or something equally mild.

I'd appreciate prayers.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Positive Words - Day 3

2011-10-23T20:06:00.002-05:00

Epic fail. :-(

'nuff said.

What Fear Sees

2011-10-23T18:41:00.001-05:00

When you look at life through the lens of fear, you see things other people might miss. Or you might see things that aren't there at all.

I was reminded again just how powerful fear is in Cupcake's life. It always sits just below the surface, only to be awakened in an instant.

Wednesday night, I was driving the girls home from church on a major thoroughfare (4 lanes, 50 mph, limited access highway with stoplights). Suddenly, we came upon a man pushing his car off the road – slow, faintly lit emergency flashers, but no lights. He was backed against the car with his eyes facing the traffic from behind (so he could jump out of the way when someone didn't see him.) I hit my brakes and put on my flashers so no one behind me would cream him. I leaned out the window and asked if he needed a push. He said, "No, but I could use a jump start."

In a split second, I surveyed the scene (he looks like a regular dad, it's directly under a streetlight, there's lots of traffic, it's a good part of town, his teenage daughter is in car, I've got my cell phone, it's definitely his battery) and decided to help.

(Note: I am not in the habit of helping men with car trouble at night without Steve. It's never happened before and will probably never happen again.)

As I slow down to pull off, Cupcake starts to wind up.

"MOM! What are you doing?!?!"

"MOM! KEEP GOING!"

"Calm down Baby. It's going to be all right."
{Crying, Wailing, Yelling}

"Baby, you've got to trust me."
"MOM! GET.US.OUT.OF.HERE!!!

"O-O-O-H-H-H!!! THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!! WHAT IF HE STEALS YOU?!?!?!"

"He is not going to steal me, Honey."
It was an adrenaline rush, for sure. I was hyped up on high alert. I was more concerned with turning my car around on the highway, so my engine could face his. Then there were the crazy yahoos that didn't slow down or move over. YIKES! Sugar was ever vigilant while we were stopped. She had my cell in her hand, ready to dial 9-1-1. She had written down his license plate number. That's my girl! J

We tried a jump start but his battery was completely dead. Then his wife came. So he thanked us and we left.

When we got home, Cupcake let me know how furious she was. Stomping and storming and yelling. Wild-eyed anger. She was keyed up like I have never seen her. She kept asking me why he was jumping like that. (I didn't see him jumping.) And why were his hands behind his back? And how did I know he was a good guy? And what if I was wrong? He looked like a bad guy. What if he was a bad guy? And what would happen if he did take me? And what if he took Sugar? What if she was all alone? Who would help her?

Oh, dear me.

But why was Cupcake so sure he was a bad guy?

Finally, I made the connection. He was leaning against the back of his car to push it. His hands were against the trunk and he was pushing with all his might. What I saw as a man who was desperate to get his car off the road before he got killed, while she saw as an escaped convict wriggling to break out of handcuffs.

Oh.

We had a l-o-n-g talk that night. It was good. J I have needed to reassure her several times since then that I will not be stopping to help men with car trouble. I also learned to stop and listen to her heart. She is an expert at being sensitive to any sign of danger. Sometimes I should listen.

But, you know the best part?

The worst day of her life would be the day that I wasn't in it.

She said so. And that makes my heart happy. J

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Positive Words - Day 2

2011-10-22T16:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I was off to a good start.

I really was thinking that carpool line would be one of my biggest challenges. It will be. Every newsletter from the beginning of time has clearly explained the drop-off/pick-up procedures. It's not rocket science. "C'mon People." almost rolled off my lips yesterday, but I stopped it just in time.

All went well at home until bedtime. My verbal self-control goes way downhill when I'm tired. :-( The girls fought. Cupcake began to physically harrass her sister. I stepped in. It got physical. After that is when my verbal onslaught started. I did not hide my anger, frustration, or disappointment. I did not use words that build up. And the things I muttered under my breath and in my head were worse.

I decided before I began that I would challenge myself to go 14 days in a row, but if I blew it, I would not start over. I will confess, apologize, and trust in God's unfailing grace. His mercies are new every morning.

The purpose of this is to make my words a priority...To think before I speak.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Positive Words - Day 1

2011-10-21T16:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I think I made it through yesterday without any infractions.

I say "I think" because often I can't remember what I just said. This short term memory loss could work to my advantage ;-).

I have enlisted the help of my family to hold me accountable.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

The Challenge

2011-10-20T18:09:00.000-05:00

My friend, GB's Mom accepted a challenge to use only positive or neutral language for 14 days in a row. Then she asked if anyone else wanted to join in.

I'm in.

Phew...here goes.

I guess "language" includes tone of voice, huh?

Deep breath.

I'll be logging my journey here...for accountability. I'm not sure I will ever make 14 days in a row, but I'm going to give it a shot.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

When Helping Hurts

2011-10-19T12:35:00.000-05:00

When Helping Hurts

How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor…and Yourself

By Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert

I read this book recently.

It wrecked me.

I was expecting to read about failed programs of poverty alleviation and successful models for doing it right.

I did.

But, more importantly, I read about my own poverty, my own mistakes, and my own false assumptions.

It was a very humbling read. In fact, by the time I got to Chapter 4, I put it down for over a month – because I didn't want to read it. You might say I put my hands over my ears, shut my eyes, and shouted, "Na..na..na…na…na…I can't hear you!"

Very mature of me, I know.

Well, eventually, I did pick it back up and finish it. I'm slightly more self-disciplined about spiritual growth than weight loss. But I digress.

Each chapter begins with some questions to get your juices flowing. It is designed and works best if you write down your answers to the pre-chapter questions before you read the chapter, so you can refer back to them at the end of the chapter. By doing this, you force yourself to actually think about the way you think about poverty.

At the end of each chapter, there are more questions to help you sift through and apply what you just read. Again, write down your answers so you can nail down your thinking. These questions are excellent for small group discussion. I would have appreciated thoughts from multiple points of view as I digested the material in this book. In fact, I'm seriously considering leading a small group through a study of this.

Even though When Helping Hurts was painful to read, I highly recommend this as a must-read to the following people:

Anyone who sincerely cares about helping ~~the poor, oppressed, needy, weak~~ others
Anyone going on a short-term mission trip
Anyone considering long-term missions
Anyone who calls themselves Christian
Anyone who is thinking about helping anybody with anything :-)

Will you take the challenge?

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Soccer Update

2011-10-08T20:09:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are, halfway through the soccer season, and I have an update.

We are still playing soccer!

You laugh.

We were not so sure we were going to make it this far. We had 4 practices before the first game. The first 3 practices were in the 100° temps. By practice #3, Cupcake was convinced soccer was a parental torture scheme. ;-) That day, I ~~dragged~~ brought her to practice and she told her coach she quit.

Her coach is great. He's very gentle with the girls. He reacted with , “Oh?”, a nod of the head, and then turned around and walked away.

Within 5 minutes, she had sucked it up and ran out to the field to practice.

The next week, the weather broke. It was 55° and raining. She was not happy about practice, but she went.

The following morning, the skies cleared and she suited up in an official uniform. :-D Once she got in the game, all the weary stuff of practice fell away. (Things like pointless drills, useless running, and all that yammering by the coach about positions, rules and other such nonsense. ;-))

Cupcake doesn’t understand the finer points of soccer, but there is one thing she gets.

Competition.

Struggling against others in order to come out on top…that’s right up her alley. She’s scrappy. She’s not afraid to get in there and battle for a kick. Jostling elbow to elbow is invigorating!

When we got home from the first game, I noticed something about the pictures.

My little Cupcake, who really has to work at happiness, was positively beaming in almost every picture!

Every week, it’s the same thing - ear to ear smiles when she’s on the field.

You may get sick of all the soccer pictures I post, but I can’t help it. In them, I see the true Cupcake, living in a moment of pure joy. Not the forced smile of a child who wants the world to think everything is wonderful. Not the tight-lipped grin of one who is enduring another photoshoot with Mom. Not the somber expression of a child who carries the weight of the world. Simply a child living life to the fullest RIGHT NOW.

And that brings joy to my heart. :-D

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Soccer Camp

2011-10-06T08:11:00.000-05:00

This post was written back in August, before vacation, but somehow never got posted. I have an update in the works.

Cupcake had her very first experience with soccer on Thursday. She had a pre-season camp. She was excited, but a little bit hesitant at the start. The coach was outstanding and, before long, she was running, kicking, and giggling with the other girls. I think this might be a good thing for her.

As I studied these pictures, I noticed something....Cupcake, in general, does not walk around with a smile on her face. Happiness, or joy, does not come naturally to her. Most of the time, she has to work at it...or we have to work at it. But in these photos, I see almost contentment, or a hint of joy. That's cool. :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Therapeutic Parenting 501

2011-10-04T08:00:00.002-05:00

This is the advanced course.

Don't worry, I won't hold your score against you if you've never parented a child from hard places. :-)

THE TEST:

Please read the following story and answer the questions that follow.

The Story:

Traumatized Child (TC) is picked up from school in a good mood. Everything went well for the day. TC asks, "What are we doing now?" Mother answers, "We need to go pick up your brother from his class. (Note: This is the first day of teenage brother's class. The mom of a homeschool acquaintance picked him up to take him to class. Mother would be bringing both boys home.) After a good healthy snack, Mother and TC drive to location of class, enjoying a fine conversation. On the way, Mother mentions that she needs to remember to pay the teacher when she gets there. Arriving before class lets out, the Mother rolls down the windows of van and allows daughter to sit in passenger seat while they cheerfully chat together.

After a short time, the door to the home opens, the Teacher stands in the doorway, one Homeschool Mom and several boys exit the house and walk toward their cars. Mother says to TC, "I'm going to go pay the Teacher. I'll be right back. Mother walks to front door, pays Teacher while maitaining line-of-sight with TC, and stops to chat with Homeschool Mom. Homeschool Mom has a wide range of well-behaved children who are all flourishing in their activities. Meanwhile, brother and his friend climb in the van. Conversation moves on to upcoming class schedule. Unexpectedly, TC puts on her Miss Sassypants attitude, hangs out the window, hand on hip, and loudly demands, "Mother, Get your butt over here this minute!"

Essay:

1. What just happened? What is the reason for TC's behavior? All clues are in text.

Multiple Choice:

2. How long did it take the Mother to figure out what actually happened here?
A. 3 Seconds
B. 3 Minutes
C. 3 Hours
D. 3 Weeks

3. What is the Mother's primary emotion?
A. Joy
B. Embarrassment
C. Compassion
D. Pride in her little angel

4. What is Mother's reaction?
A. Bewilderment
B. Flushed Face
C. Angry Eyes, Low Growl
D. "I will give you one.more.chance to try.it.again."
E. All of the above

5. What is the Homeschool Mom's reaction?
A. Properly Horrified
B. Judgemental
C. Thoughts of "What a spoiled brat!" and "That kid needs a good spank!"
D. Awkward Moment
E. Unknown. It does not matter.

The Story Continues:
The moms return to their conversation. TC again speaks up, this time pouring on the charm, "Mother, please get your bottom over here now." Mother turns to TC and firmly tells her, "One minute." TC jumps out of van, walks over to talking women and attempts to interrupt their conversation. Mother quickly excuses herself and steps to van, breathing deeply as she approaches. Once in the van, TC politely asks Mother for a Tootsie Roll. Mother firmly declines, siting the disrespect that just occurred. {insert lecture here} Later that evening, Mother asks TC to write an "I'm sorry" letter to the Homeschool Mom and Teacher. TC readily complies. She seems genuinely sorry for her outburst, and apologizes to Mother.

True/False:

6. T/F TC's second attempt to get her Mother's attention actually showed improvement.

7. T/F Lectures are useful. The lecture sealed the deal for repentance.

8. T/F This Mother did everything right and ought to be commended for her brilliant parenting skills.

9. T/F Disrespect is perfectly acceptable behavior. It should be ignored so as not to damage this child's self esteem.

10. T/F Everything has been resolved and all relationships are set right.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Are you ready for the answers?

1. What really happened? TC is freaked out because a somewhat strange boy/man got in the van with her brother. Her Mother did not seem to notice this alarming situation. TC is oversensitive to feelings of danger due to her early trauma. TC knows that her Mother is safe and will come when called (unless she is summoned by an obnoxious tyrant). TC also likes attention. TC thinks sassy is charming and funny. When the alarm did not bring the needed Mother, her brain re-worked the message to a gentler, but still urgent phrase. TC makes a last-ditch-effort to go get her Mother. Once Mother was safely in the van, all danger was gone and normal operations resumed. Later, TC was genuinely sorry for her outburst.

2. D. Yes, it took three weeks of contemplating the situation to figure out what really happened. This story is true and I didn't even include all of the variables. Therapeutic parenting is HARD. There are no easy answers. You have to get into your child's world in order to figure out their strange behavior and reactions.

3. B. Embarrassment is the primary emotion. Anger is secondary. Embarrassment remained my primary emotion every time I remembered the situation during the 3 weeks it took me to get to the bottom of things. Once I saw the situation through my daughter's eyes, the primary emotion became compassion.

4. E. All of the above. Yes, I did. Not my greatest parenting moment.

5. E. It doesn't matter what the other mom thinks. The greatest concern for a therapeutic mother is to be the right kind of parent, regardless of tsk- tsks, raised eyebrows, gasps, unwanted advice, or pursed lips. Focus on what the child needs. Being the best mom to this child right now is the priority.

6. T. Recognizing the effort would have been worth bonus points in our relationship, even if the world does not appreciate the subtle nuances in tone and wording.

7. F. Lectures are not useful. What TC heard: "That was very disrespectful...blah...blah...blah..blah..blah...."

8. F. This Mother failed on several counts, most notably not going directly to the child to handle the exchange immediately.

Mother succeeded in:

Healthy snack
Cheerful attitude at the start
Reminded TC she would be right back
Maintained line-of-sight
Recognized her own bewilderment and anger
Did not react immediately in full blown rage
Waiting until later to work toward making things right

9. F. The child must be corrected. Disrespect is unacceptable. A child will feel less self-esteem if she is allowed to continue to disrespect adults and authorities in her life. However, harsh, punitive, and consequence-driven methods will not work, and they will certainly not get to the heart of the problem.

10. F.  All relationships were not restored until Mother recognized what really happened and apologized for not coming over immediately. Then TC shared how scared she was. They hugged. Then all was right in their world. One more brick in the bridge to attachment is laid in place, even though both Mother and Traumatized Child messed up at the start.

I write this not-so-flattering account in the form of a test for two sets of eyes.

For the other trauma mamas out there, please learn to look for and pick up on subtle clues. Learn from my mistakes. We can do so much right, and still miss the point. It is HARD to figure out what is really going on with our kids' hearts. It is HARD to maintain composure when faced with these kinds of behaviors. It is HARD to act in love and concern when there is steam coming out of our ears. But keep plugging away! Replay the ugly scenes in your mind again. Did you miss a clue? Pray for guidance. Even when we both failed, in the end connection was made. Don't give up. Don't lose heart. Your child needs you.

For friends, family, and innocent bystanders, please understand that my child is not a bad kid. She is a hurt, scared kid with a big, bad attitude act as a coping skill. She doesn't need a good spank. What you see on the surface is only a picture of what's going on in the heart. Please see that therapeutic parenting goes so much deeper than making bad behavior stop. No amount of techniques and behavioral modifications are going to get to the heart of the matter. My kid puzzles me. Sometimes, I'm trying to assess the situation, sometimes I'm trying to figure out the best course of action, sometimes I'm purposefully not reacting in order to get my own emotions in check.  Please cut me and other parents some slack. This is the hardest job we've ever done. It wears us out physically and emotionally.  Encouragement does a lot more for us than advice.

I want to be sure to note that the Homeschool Mom in the story above did not appear to pass judgement on us. She was very gracious, though I'm sure the whole scene made her quite uncomfortable. This was only taken from what I would have thought if I had been her.  :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Praise

2011-10-03T16:28:00.000-05:00

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

For the first time in over 4 months, I have not taken any pain relievers of any kind in more than 36 hours!

Every day this past week, I have been able to skip a dose here and there, or take less than the maximum.

Prior to that, I was on daily, round-the-clock prescription and over-the-counter meds, at the maximum allowed limits or I was curled up in a fetal position, whimpering to my hot water bottle (sometimes both).

I don't know what happened, but I'm hoping I've turned a corner. :-)

I know some of you have been praying for me and I thank you for that. Don't stop yet, please. :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

On Guard!

2011-09-28T22:46:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was exploring my options for homeschool PE. Sugar was thinking she wanted to do some form of martial arts. I studied and researched all the options. Most of the places nearby were either super expensive or got mediocre ratings. Then I stumbled upon fencing at a local community center. When I mentioned it to her, she practically jumped out of her chair with excitement.

The cost was very reasonable and the teacher is very well-respected.

Win/Win. :-)

Later that week, I was talking to one of my best friends. I told her of my crazy plan to sign Sugar up for fencing. She practically jumped through the phone with excitement. Her son has been asking if he could take fencing for years!

She would have a friend in the class.

Win/Win/Win!

Tuesday was her third class. They suited up for the first time and began to actually fence!

I was so proud! It's kind of a rush to watch your princess fight with weapons! After they practiced some moves, (Sorry, I don't know the jargon yet.) the instructor called up Sugar to demonstrate a match. Her opponent was Goliath of Gath. :-)

It was a good match. She didn't win, but she sure looked good. :-) Sugar was not the least bit intimidated by his superior size or age. Okay, she was...but she didn't show it. :-)

Last night, I watched my petite daughter sword fight with a man. How cool is that?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

What????

2011-09-25T17:19:00.000-05:00

I have so much serious stuff to blog about but today I will just share this.

Our phone company has this great service they offer...when you get a voicemail, they email you both an audio file with the message and a typed paragraph that is auto-translated by computer. Usually, there are small garbles in the translation, but you can usually make sense of the message.

Not so this time.

"I got the wrong number. Trying to get a hold of Steve S****** and caress you, bye"

What the voicemail actually said:

"I got the wrong number. Trying to get a hold of Steve S****** and Carissa, bye"

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Birthday Celebrations

2011-09-12T15:12:00.000-05:00

In order to save time, I will condense our August birthday celebrations down into one post. You can thank me later. ;-)

Also, can anyone tell me how to photoshop my counters so they look clean?

Luke - Age 16

Luke turned 16 on one of those fast-moving days right before we left for vacation. I looked down and it was 6:00. I had no cake, no time, no plan, and everyone had meetings that night. For the first time in my life, I stopped at a bakery and bought a birthday cake out of sheer desperation. (It's true that we have occasionally ordered a DQ ice cream cake for a celebration, but that was on purpose.) Thankfully, I had been to the bank and picked up his birthday present ahead of time. ;-)

One thing about Luke, he really doesn't like everyone making a big to-do about his birthday --- nor does he like anyone taking pictures of him smiling at the camera - or in the general direction of the camera. So he was happy with the low-key celebration. Within the week, he had used his gift money plus his savings to buy a new (used) Les Paul Electric Guitar. Not only is Luke a great guitar player, he is generous, caring and thoughtful. I'm really proud of the man he is becoming.

Cupcake - Age 8

On the day we left the beach, Cupcake turned 8. We had already given her our gift, as it was useful on a long car trip. So, on our last full day in Florida, we took her over to the local hair-feather shack for a little decoration. The big kids gave her a hair feather for her birthday. We had planned to let both girls have a feather - so Cupcake got two, while Sugar got one.

She's liking the feathers. :-)

That night, my friend and I made an ice cream cake for her celebration. Then Sugar helped to decorate it. It was a cookies and cream, hot fudge, crumbled oreo, ready-whip, butterfly cake. Not the fanciest cake I've ever made, but it was one of the most delicious. :-D YUM!

Cupcake loved celebrating with our friends.

We were concerned about the timing of everything with her birthday. There was just no good way to work things out. We had to give her the gifts early and we had to pack up and leave the day of her actual birthday. The frenzy of getting everything out the door early has always been a major trigger for all her worst fears, combined with the disappointment and letdown of no gifts...It was a nuclear meltdown waiting to happen.

On birthday morning, Cupcake did okay. We had meltdown, but it was not nuclear. It came from deep within her, but she pulled out of it and was fine by mid-morning.

I am so proud of my Cupcake! She has grown so much and learned to trust us in so many ways. It's little things like this that make my heart glad. :-)

Steve - Age Middle

On August 23, Steve turned another year older. Once again, it was a crazy day full of activities ending with meetings for everyone. I picked up a cake at the grocery store on the way back home at the end of the day. A store-bought cake again! Aack! Well, the shame wore off pretty quickly. It was a good looking cake. And delicious too. :-) At the end of the day, Steve was proud owner of two Steven Curtis Chapman concert tickets. I hope he picks me to be his hot date to the show. :-)

Hang on. We're almost done....

Sugar - Age 13

Sugar turned 13 at the end of the month. For her birthday, I took her to the mall and had a gal at one of those expensive make-up counters show her how to properly apply real make-up so as not to look like a sleaze-ball. Then I bought a small fortune in non-sleaze-ball cosmetics. :-)

It was such a fun time with my young lady. She is so beautiful, it takes my breath away.

Sugar wanted to bring a cake to Sunday School to share with her friends. She had an elaborate idea about a beautiful cake with lilies on it. (I know very little about cake decorating.) So we went to H*bby L*bby looking for fondant lilies. Instead, we found the perfect alternative for a fun cake for decorating dummies like me. It's called Sugar Sheets Edible Decorating Paper! She got all creative on me again! We bought two sheets for $4 each.

As it turned out,I had too many things on my plate and I did not start baking until 9:00 pm Saturday. At 11:00 we began frosting. Then we had to call in help from "the engineer". Thank goodness my husband is a sugar engineer, as well as, electrical. The paper was really easy to work with, but going around the side of the cake was tricky. Late into the night, we finished the cake. But it turned out great, don't you think? And it was delicious too. (I had just a small piece of the leftovers.)

Almost Done

Here she is on birthday morning, opening gifts from the other kids.

Phew! That's a lot of birthdays!

Strangely enough, I can't figure out why I can't lose any weight.

Or why the bank account is empty.

Or why I'm so tired all the time. ;-)

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Catching Up - Florida - Shell Island

2011-09-11T13:57:00.000-05:00

I am ridiculously behind in my blogging. Sorry about that. Life is too busy and at night, my mind is too fried to write anything coherent. So nothing has been written for a while now...Hopefully, you will get blitzed with many, many posts that should have been written in the past month. Or this may be the only one you see until Thanksgiving. We'll just see how it goes. :-)

So anyway, one day in Florida we took the Captain Anderson's Dolphin and Shell Island Boat Tour. It was a very enjoyable time.

Once we got to Shell Island, we saw a crab in the surf and a family caught it in their red bucket. Isn't this a fun picture?


Crab in a Bucket

One of my children did not take the sunscreen thing seriously.

The big kids went to play in the surf.

The surf back on the mainland was a red flag day (Dangerous - swim at your own risk) The waves here were monsters. My big kids LOVED it. They could've stayed all day.

Cupcake and Steve went looking for shells. After all, it was Shell Island.

One thing we learned about seagulls- they LOVE Chee*tos Actually, we already knew that**. Now we know why. Tour boat operators give passengers Chee*tos to hand-feed the seagulls. Swarms of seagulls engulf the boat as it's leaving the dock.

**Last year, in Virginia, we brought a new bag of Chee*tos to the beach for a snack. It was all tucked into our stuff, under towels. Everyone jumped in the ocean for a short time. When we came back, the bag was completely ravaged. We had no idea that seagulls got the munchies like that. Now we know better. :-)

After Shell Island, the boat went out into the waters to look for dolphins. We came upon this one right away. We stayed with her for quite a while. The kids loved it. (The grown-ups too).

All together, it was a really fun day. And I think it counts as a science field trip. :-)

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Florida

2011-08-23T09:32:00.000-05:00

Times of Refreshing

Florida was good. Really good. We arrived at the house late afternoon on Sunday. Took a quick inventory of the things we would need for the week and drove into Panama City Beach to get the needed supplies. After dinner, we stopped at the beach for our first look at the Gulf. It was a nice first impression. :-) The girls waded into the water just to get their feet wet. (We put Cupcake into a swimsuit based on our experience with "just getting your feet wet".)

Panama City Beach Pier

At Seacrest Beach, the sand was fine and white. The water was warm (and a little seaweedy).

Seacrest Beach

God sends times of refreshing in various ways. Florida was that for us. I suggest the following ideas for allowing Him to refresh you if you find yourself at the beach.

Rest and enjoy His beauty. Spend time with family and friends, laughing and talking, playing games until the wee hours (like 10:00 pm). Listen to soothing guitar music wafting down the steps. Let the warm sand squish between your toes. Peek under the water with your kids, looking for fish (and seaweed) around your toes. Jump waves until your whole body is a wet noodle. Build sand forts as high as you can before the waves take it down. Dig a deep hole in the sand until you reach water. Try boogie-boarding. Belly laugh. Ride bikes on flat streets, plowing through the standing water. Buy a coconut monkey for your son. Eat ice cream cake late at night.

May God refresh you in simple, unexpected ways.

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Why My Post-Vacation Purse Weighed More Than 7 Pounds!

2011-08-17T11:09:00.000-05:00

For your entertainment this morning, please read the following list of purse contents.

3 Boxes Orange TicTacs
1 Granola Bar
2 Pkgs. Mint Gum
2 Pkgs. Cinnamon Gum
2 Packets Fruit Snacks
1 Travel Pill Case
1 Stain Stick
3 Pens
3 Sharpies - One in Each Size
2 Travel Bottles Hand Sanitizer
100 Reciepts
Miscellaneous Coupons
Cupcake's Wallet
My Wallet
Checkbook
Phone
1 Pile of Trash
2 Lipsticks
2 Chapsticks
1 Listerine Spray
1 Hair Brush
1 Wide-tooth Comb
1 Regular Comb
1 Kleenex Pocketpack
1 Headband
3 Sets of Keys (Van, Car, Church)
1 Broken Necklace
1 Business Card Holder
6 Cough Drops
1 Guitar Pick
2 Chinese Finger Traps ---- Huh? Don't ask. I have NO IDEA?!?!
1 Cootie Catcher
1 Large Pile of Change - $6.70 Worth.
4 Bandaids - 3 new/1 used ----EWWW!

This doesn't explain where my tape measure and credit card pocket knife are.

It does explain, however, why my back and shoulders hurt so much.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Golden Anniversary

2011-08-16T13:58:00.000-05:00

The night before we left for vacation, we had big plans.

One of Steve's brothers and his wife came in to town to help celebrate his parent's 50th wedding anniversary. All three brothers went together and had a beautiful flower arrangement made. In the midst of the bouquet, we placed gift cards to some of their favorite restaurants, one for each decade of their marriage, along with a matching photo of them during each stage of their lives. It turned out perfect!

Then, they took us out to a nice Italian restaurant where we enjoyed a delicious meal and wonderful company.

After dinner, we came back home for a photo shoot. I have two camera shy sons and two hams (or divas, depending on the mood) for daughters. (On a side note: Sugar is becoming a beautiful young woman right before our eyes. YOWZA! And Cupcake fixed her hair and mine for the evening. She did a fabulous job, don't you think?!?!)

This is one of my favorites, Cupcake and her Aunt S cracking up...

It was truly a special night to celebrate a dear couple. Fifty years is noteworthy and honorable. Faithfulness runs deep in this family.

Congratulations to the happy couple, and may God bless you with many more years together.

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Back From Vacation

2011-08-15T12:36:00.000-05:00

I'm back...I have lots to blog about...much laundry to do...jumbled thoughts in my head...hope to write something coherent soon.

We had a great time on the Gulf Coast. We stayed at Seacrest Beach (near Panama City Beach) with some friends who invited us to share a house. Both families survived the week, and we are all still friends, I think. ;-)

We swam and had adventures, hunted shells, and got sunburned.

Good. Fun. Stuff.

Two thumbs up to Seacrest Beach. It is a high-end community, but very affordable with two families footing the bill. Someday, when we're all retired and the kids are grown, it would be fun to share a house with several of our best friends.

For now, I will leave you with a picture (or two...)

Blessings to you,

Mamita

The Devil's in the Details

2011-08-04T23:39:00.000-05:00

So, I met a new bloggy friend today. I've been reading through her blog when I should have been cleaning or packing or parenting. ;-) But she has a beautiful heart and I just had to introduce myself and leave a few comments on some of her posts. I will probably introduce her to you soon. I think her thoughts are very important to adoptive parents who have biological kids as well.

But, while I was leaving comments, this came up...

We all had a good laugh. I hope you do too.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

This and That

2011-08-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

Breathe, Julie, breathe.

Life continues to move at break-neck speed.

Vacation is coming up. Everything is not in order. We do have house-sitters and dog-sitters. Hotels have been reserved. Meals planned. Mail is stopped. Van is up-to-snuff.

Laundry...not so much. Clean house...ummm....no. Things to keep a little girl busy for 13 hours in the car...hmmm...where to begin?

Oh, yes...we celebrated Luke's 16th birthday yesterday! By the way, you might have noticed the bloggy change. Sunshine is now known as Luke. I still can not get him to smile for the camera. I have threatened to just put Justin Bee*ber's picture on my blog, cause Luke is just as cute...but Justin will smile for a camera...but I digress. Anyway, my sweet little boy is 16! He's taller than everyone else in the family! He is my kind-hearted, gentle, unselfish, hard-working, godly, guitar-playing young man. I'm proud to call him "son".

Cupcake starts soccer Thursday.

Steve's brother and his wife are coming to town Thursday to celebrate his parent's 50th anniversary this weekend. :-D

Thursday? ... That's tomorrow! .... YIKES! I've got a ton to do!

Talk to you soon....

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Crazy Days

2011-07-28T12:11:00.000-05:00

Here we are in the ~~middle~~ last part of summer and I am overwhelmed with the amount of things going on. A lot has been accomplished, but we have a lot packed in to the last few weeks of summer.

~~This~~ Last week is was VBS at our church. (How bad is that? It took me more than a week to type this much! Holy cow...I'm too busy!)

Well anyway...We had VBS. Luke is on a mission trip this week. Next week is Steve's parent's 50th wedding anniversary. We have a family vacation coming up. Then, it's back to school for Cupcake. Two days later, we will move Tim back in to college. Oh, that's right...we have four birthdays to celebrate in our immediate family in the month of August. (Luke on the 2nd, Cupcake on the 13th, Steve on the 23rd, and Sugar on the 28th.) No kid parties will be had in August. I just can't do it. We'll see how Cupcake handles that...

I have so much I want to blog about, but my time is just tight right now. So I will leave you with a few pictures of VBS.

Sugar was a preschool leader, but I have no pictures of her. :-( They are on a friend's camera.

I didn't get permission from everybody, so some faces have been smeared.

Cupcake had already done Pandamania VBS at Grandma's church, so she knew all the motions to the songs. Consequently, she got to lead the songs at our church!

She also got to hold lots of toddlers every chance she got.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Did I Say?

2011-07-14T22:39:00.000-05:00

From the website yourspine.com:

Trigeminal neuralgia is a disorder of the fifth cranial nerve which causes episodes of intense, stabbing, electric shock-like pain in the areas of the face where the branches of the nerve are distributed - lips, eyes, nose, scalp, forehead, upper jaw, and lower jaw. The disorder most often affects one side of the face, but some patients experience pain at different times on both sides. Trigeminal Neuralgia is considered to be one of the most painful afflictions known to medical science.

Did I say, "Aleve doesn't work as well for this pain."?

What I meant was, "Aleve is completely worthless for this pain."

As for good news: Last night was the first night in 3 weeks that I didn't wake up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain and need an ice pack just to survive. The pain was mellow enough that I slept all night. It felt so good to wake up refreshed this morning. :-) Thank you, God, for medicines that do work.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Freeze Wrestling

2011-07-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

We have a fun game that Cupcake loves. I like to play, because I have the easy job. :-)

It's called Freeze Wrestling.

Equipment needed:
1 Strong and Playful Daddy.
1 Wild Child.
1 Keeper of the Light (That's me.).
1 wrestling surface.
1 dark room.
1 flashlight.

Object:
To giggle as much as possible, while expending enormous amounts of energy and building attachment.

Game Play:
Dad and Child take their places on the wrestling surface. Mom turns off the light. Wrestling ensues. When Keeper of the Light shines the flashlight on wrestlers, they must freeze in the position they were caught in. When the flashlight goes off, wrestling commences. Game is over when Daddy is tired. Everybody wins. (Except maybe Daddy, who's exhausted.)

Enjoy our fun. For these shots, we played with a camera instead of a flashlight.

This one was after the game, right before the body slam...

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Trigeminal Neuralgia

2011-07-12T23:21:00.000-05:00

So that's what I have.

I haven't shared much about my dental woes here, but boy, have I had woes lately. It's been hard (literally) to smile for months.

That's not the best thing for therapeutic parenting either.

For you newbies, I have genetically inferior teeth. My mouth has more silver amalgam than teeth. Most of my fillings were done in childhood. That means they are 35-40 years old now.

This is how it went down. (This post is more for me than for you. It's a record of what happened. You know, like history.)

Short version:

In the past 3 months, I've had 3 separate toothaches, 1 root canal, 2 crowns and severe pain on the left side of my face. Went to the Doctor. I have TMJ and the nerves in my face are screaming. I'm on meds. Hopefully, relief is on the way.

Long version:

At the end of March, my lower right molar screamed every time I ate something cold. I used ibuprofen a couple times a week. Mid-April, I had my regularly scheduled cleaning. I told the hygienist and she was super careful around that tooth. She noticed my upper left molar was in very bad shape and needed a crown ASAP. So I made an appointment to have it fixed mid-May.

Unfortunately, the sensitive tooth went ballistic and I used my May appointment to have a root canal and crown on the lower right. We scheduled the upper left tooth for immediately after my dentist's maternity leave - June 22. Before I even had the permanent crown on the first tooth, in mid-May, the second tooth was going crazy. I continued the ibuprofen in higher and higher doses, more and more often just to make it through each day.

Got my new crown on tooth #2 in June and it was a rough one. The novocaine didn't quite cut it. They had to shoot me up again halfway through the procedure. My jaw kept locking open. My mouth was pretty torn up. When the numbing wore off, the air blowing outside felt like ice cream on a sensitive tooth.

Time passed and my teeth and jaw still hurt. After a week, I went back to have the crown adjusted because it had a high spot. The trouble: The high spot was pummeling a very weak, cracked, falling apart molar on the bottom left.

You know what's coming...Bottom left needs a crown.

But I was still having a lot of pain and they couldn't do the crown until my bite is right and I'm pain free. Meanwhile, I was taking prescription strength ibuprofen every six hours and the pain was still breaking through. It felt like the "top" of a throb in my jaw, under my teeth (upper and lower), traveling up my eustachian tube, in my ear, and into my temple. It's like someone drilling into your brain, blowing a horn directly into your face, and smacking a gong inside your head. Not fun.

I went back a week later and had it adjusted again. No relief.

Switched to Aleve this weekend. It doesn't work as well for this pain, but I had to get off the ibuprofen after more than 3 months on the stuff.

Today, I went to my doctor just to check for an ear infection that could be complicating matters.

After giving him the scoop, he tells me I have Trigeminal Neuralgia. Basically, I have TMJ. The jaw joint is the circuit box for the nerves on that side of my face. All that dental work traumatized my jaw. Those nerves are not happy. I'm on meds to help them calm down.

I got home and looked online. It confirmed what the doctor said. I'll be doing a little more research, but I'm so happy just to know that it has a name and it can be treated.

Hopefully, I'll be smiling again soon.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

PS. I like my dentist and she does a really good job. She's very gentle and precise and is very sensitive to patient pain. I just have really bad teeth and a small mouth that's hard to work in.

Fun and Braids

2011-07-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

I didn't want you to think that everything is difficult and serious around here. We've managed to have some really fun times lately...only a few pictures, though.

I'm a little late posting about the 4th, but we had a nice time watching the fireworks very close to home this year. It was pretty fun.

There's the world's best dad.

All four kids...one picture...amazing and rare!

My beautiful baby.

Waiting and texting.

My beautiful young lady with a flare for drama.

This past week, Steve and Sugar were away at our church's Childrens' Camp. Cupcake and I had lots of good enjoyable quality time together. Thursday evening, I braided her hair while we watched some TV. It turned out really cute and it lasted until after church today. I'd like to try it again sometime now that I've got the hang of it. I ended up putting 18 braids in. It took about an hour and a half. Cute, huh?

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Our Two-Sided Rage

2011-07-09T22:15:00.002-05:00

I try very hard to strike a balance between being real and transparent, and protecting our family’s privacy, while always honoring God.

It’s hard when reality doesn’t honor God, and when being transparent means being vulnerable...

So, here goes...

I will be honest about my struggles. I don’t want to portray that I’m a perfect therapeutic mother, and only my child has “issues”.

So, I'll expose my faults.

They say you're only as sick as your secrets.

Those who know me in real life would probably characterize me as laid-back, easy-going, flexible, patient, and friendly. They might say I have a sharp tongue or haughty eyes, but I don't think anyone would say that I have a fiery temper or a short fuse.

But...

I’d be lying if I told you that I never had intense feelings of rage toward my little sweetheart. There are times when I’ve thought the words that "Other Mother" said. Once in a while, I mutter some of them under my breath. Sometimes, in anger, I say things I regret. At times, I can be downright scary.

This deep, intense rage...It's different from anything I've ever known. It comes bursting up from seemingly nowhere in the heat of battle pulsing through every fiber of my being...Just when calm and therapeutic would be most helpful.

So, what does this mean?

I'm human. I fall short. I have rotten days.
Sometimes, my stress level is through the roof.
Raising a kid from hard places is way more demanding than raising most home-grown kids.
My precious child is uncovering layers of me that I did not know existed.
I have rage in me.

That means that I have to work on me if I want to lead Cupcake into healing.

One thing that I picked up from Empowered to Connect was that we adoptive parents want to make this all about healing our kids from their wounds. But, in reality, their trauma brings our unresolved issues and our weakness to the forefront. And, actually, their healing is very dependent on our healing.

Our kids were put into our lives for a purpose. They challenge us to become whole. The journey to wholeness is painful, exhausting, and scary, yet totally worth it. Finding wholeness requires us to truly examine our own lives. We need to look into not only our past, but our expectations, our worldview, our framework for parenting, our pride, our character...everything has to be pulled out and evaluated. We must make changes if we are going to make progress.

One thing for sure, Cupcake has revealed the true me to me.

Sometimes, I don't like her very much - the true me, that is.

It's amazing how little I know about myself.

I ponder where all my rage is coming from. Perhaps a lot has to do with my pride, the god of convenience, and my fears. I really like to be right, to look well put together, and for things to be smooth and easy. And my fears...I could easily write a series of posts on my fears.

But then, I must remember:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

2 Tim 1:7

I truly believe that God is using this to sand off my rough edges, to make me whole, and to exercise my trust in Him.

It would sure be easier if I were perfect. :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Two-Sided Rage

2011-06-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

I received a comment on my last post that got me thinking. Nora was concerned that I was saying that rage from both sides was acceptable. (This is in reference to the Raising a Traumatized Child blog, where the mom (“Other Mother”) had moments of intense rage against her raging son. “Other Mother” would, at times, cuss, or think or say hurtful or unkind words in the heat of battle. Nora has a valid point, yet I think it's important to understand what's really going on in these highly volatile relationships.

So...

I can really relate to "Other Mother".

But...

I want to be perfectly clear here. I am not condoning rage as a valid response to an out-of-control child. Raging against a child is not okay. It is not right to verbally or physically assault a person. Taking out your anger on someone else (especially little people) is wrong. That’s why the Bible tells us to get rid of all rage. So, I’m not saying that raging at your kids is okay.

I am saying that it is a very real truth that an angry, defiant, raging, violent, destructive child will often bring forth rage in their parents. Not that the child causes the rage. The child merely exposes the rage that was already there.

Let me say that again.

The child merely exposes the rage that was already there.

And sometimes, we therapeutic moms feel it come bubbling up from the depths of our hearts.

Ugh.

And it's not right, but it does happen.

So where does this rage come from and how do we get rid of it? Any suggestions?

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Raising a Traumatized Child

2011-06-24T16:30:00.000-05:00

I recently found a blog called Raising a Traumatized Child. It is the true story of a little boy and his single mom and their journey through trauma. I have been absolutely drawn to this story. It's like a great book. You just can't help but stay up late to read the next chapter. I think I'm so captured by the story, because I'm living what she describes so well. My issues are different from hers and some of Cupcake's trauma and behaviors are different from her son's. But, overall she paints a vivid picture of life with a traumatized kid. Much of what she writes is an exact glimpse into our lives (at least the stuff before 3rd grade). The crazy behavior, the fierce love, the escalation, the rage (on both sides), the sorrow afterwards, a mother's over-arching compassion, a child's need to be loved...she ties it all together beautifully (and painfully).

Sometimes, as I'm reading, I'm thinking, "No, no! Don't say that! I know where this is going..." But, in reality, I've made the same mistakes. It's very, very hard to remain calm and compassionate in the midst of defiance and chaos. This mom is a hero, even if she messed up at times. I'm thankful that she is sharing her story with the world.

I have not finished the story, so I don't know if there's a happy ending. I do know that the drama is riveting and I can't stop reading. If you choose to check it out, start at post 1 (which was in May) and read it in order. Also note that there is foul language and words descriptive of se*ual abuse.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Sorry For the Silence

2011-06-21T12:48:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am still alive.

It's been a long couple of weeks around here. Lots of turmoil here...normal stuff for normal kids, but life-shaking for traumatized kids. :-(

We went back to Mom's to take care of an estate sale. It was long, hard, hot work and not much fun. I was so very thankful that there was a little neighbor boy next to my brother's place (where we had the sale). He played with Cupcake all week long, with only a few little squabbles. She learned to ride a bike - expert style. Not only can she start and stop on her own, she can avoid dogs and other kids, pull tight corners and dodge mud puddles...or hit them square on, whichever she prefers.

Luke has had two weeks of camp in a row, plus going back to Mom's, so he has not been home in 3 weeks now, except a day here and there.

Tim is working for me this summer, since he couldn't find a job. I'm getting some long awaited honey-do's accomplished and he's getting some money for college and spending.

Sugar is doing well. Really growing up into a young lady. YIKES! She is beautiful and seems to really be coming into her own.

Sorry I have no pictures. My kids won't let me take them anymore. :-(

Steve is traveling some these days and I'm holding down the fort a few days at a time.

We scrapped our plans to go camping this summer for vacation and we decided to go to Florida with some friends later this summer. I'm pretty excited about it. I love camping, but the weather has not cooperated this year, and now it's too hot for the next several months. So instead, beaches and pools and shopping (Me) and golf (Steve).

So, there you have it. Our recent history and future plans, summed up.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

My Birthday

2011-06-01T23:42:00.000-05:00

On Monday, I turned *an undisclosed number* of years. It was a really nice day. :-) Steve was off work. We worked on cleaning the basement. I know, not much fun, but much needed, and somehow, therapeutic. We have been working on a new project down there. More on that later....

So...around lunchtime, there was much whispering and planning. I was not allowed to look. After a while...TA-DA! Lunch was served. Ham Fried Rice, Tossed Salad and Apple Slices.

What a nice and tasty surprise! Planned exclusively by Cupcake and prepared by Steve and Cupcake. Pretty cool, huh?

We were invited to our good friend's house for dinner. We had a very relaxing time with uplifting conversation and great fellowship. They gave me a nice gift and then brought out this decadent chocolate cake and ice cream! It was really sweet, figuratively and literally! YUM!

My gift from my family will be coming soon, but the best gift was that nobody fought all day. No one was defiant. No behaviors. Only kindness. All birthday long. What a reprieve from the tough days we've been having!

I went to bed with a long, happy sigh and a content smile on my face. Who could ask for more?

Oh, there's more. While I was cleaning the basement, I found this newly written list.

Translated:

Clean.
Vacuum.
Get Mom a present.
Make Mom a lunch.
Make Mom a card.
Make the (something).
and the last thing is to go to our friends' house.

Made my heart melt.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

The Horrible Cicada Plague of 2011

2011-05-31T18:42:00.000-05:00

The cicadas are out. Can you hear them? I should ask, can you hear yourself think? Are you shouting to be heard across the table? The 13 year cicadas have emerged from the ground. They chose our yard to swarm in.

I can relate to the Egyptians during Moses' time. This is just gross!

This is our light pole.

The tree out front.

The base of the tree, up close and personal.

Here is a new one that just emerged from molting.

These have red eyes and fake black eyes on their back.

Some have found their way into our basement. YUCK!

They fall on you when you walk. They crunch under your feet. The whole ground literally is moving. I think I'll stay inside for a while.

It feels like something out of an Indiana Jones movie.

This, too, shall pass.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Five Minute Friday - On Forgetting

2011-05-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

Head on over to The Gypsy Mama to find out what it's all about.

Today's writing prompt: On Forgetting.

So, here goes...

Sometimes I would like my kids to have selective memory. I would like them to forget the weeks like this one, when their mom was a crazy-eyed screaming lunatic. I pray that God would raise them up to love Him and walk in His ways in spite of my Grand-Canyon size faults. I hope they forget the rants and the snarls and the growls, the rolled-eyes, sarcastic comments, and the deep sighs. May they only remember the how much I love them, the genuine smiles, and deep connection.

That's it. Five minutes is up.

Your turn to play.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Unintentional Consequences - Broad Application

2011-05-27T08:00:00.004-05:00

You know I've been blogging about the negative side effects our giving sometimes has. I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. And then, things keep coming up. More to think about. More to consider. Deep introspection.

So, I'm ready to wrap up my part, but I wanted to give you two more links if you are interested in digging deeper.

Lisa, at A Bushel and a Peck, wrote for a piece for Until Then a few weeks ago. To sum it up, a group of well-meaning missionaries gave the village a water well that was not maintainable. Lisa's husband and son are working with a group to go and teach the local men how to build a water pump from common (in Africa) available parts. As they teach them to build it, it will also teach them to maintain it. Great idea, huh?

And then Troy and Tara Livesay wrote another post about respecting the poor that really gets you thinking. In short: Would you be comfortable with strangers taking pictures of your children and your house as you go about your daily life without asking permission?

Getting back to my original intent, All of these issues are relevant if you are a short term missionary. But I think they have a much broader application in regular life. So, here are some things I think I know.

I don't know everything about everything.
Be teachable, especially if you are in unfamiliar waters.
Leave your pride and your agenda at home.
Submit to others who have authority, wisdom, or more working knowledge than you.
Anytime we help someone, their dignity must be kept or restored.
People need love more than they need stuff.
Love does not necessarily look like what we've made it.
Poverty is complex.
Solutions will be multi-faceted.
Chronic poverty is not the same as an immediate crisis. Each requires a different approach.
Real solutions require long-term personal investment.
Helpers should be learners and listeners.
The more local and personal the help is, the more likely life-change will happen.
One culture can not overlay their way of doing things on top of another culture.
Throwing money at a problem will not make it go away.
The long-term must be considered when helping others.
The recipient of the help must be a participant in the solution in order to take ownership of it.

I'm sure there's more.

I just started reading, When Helping Hurts yesterday. I like it already. I'm sure it is going to challenge me. I'll give a report with all my new insight.

Do you see things differently? Do you have any more wisdom to add to my list?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

The "B" Word

2011-05-26T13:12:00.000-05:00

Not that "B" word!

C'mon. This is a family-friendly blog. :-)

Well, maybe the word you were thinking of described me last night, but today I'm talking about the other "B" word...

Bifocals.

There. I said it.

Ewwww!

I new it was coming, but still.

Four days before my 47th birthday, my eye doctor stepped all over my dignity by declaring that word. Right in front of me. The nerve.

:-(

Well, technically, I don't need bifocals, since I wear contacts. He gave me a mono-vision prescription. I see long distance with my right eye and read with my left. It's going to take some getting used to, but I think it's going to work.

I use mono-vision. That sounds better. I'm feeling my dignity return by the minute. :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Words of Life

2011-05-25T19:31:00.000-05:00

It's been tense and stressful ever since school let out amid tornado sirens. The girls have been fighting viciously from the minute they laid eyes on each other. Steve has been out of town all week. We had to hunker down in the basement due to the weather. Our basement is a horrid mess because the boys are painting the walls and everything is a jumbled chaos in the middle of the room - not to mention the "normal" mess and the garage sale stuff we've been gathering, as well as college supplies that haven't found a home yet.

So, my window of tolerance was shattered. I blew a gasket. Then I blew another. And another. I think you could call it a tirade. I finally put the girls in their rooms.

A few minutes later, I walked into Cupcake's room to explain that I'm the one who needed the time-out, but since I can't leave them alone together while I lock myself up in my room, this was the only way to make sure everyone was safe.

She was writing on her white board.

These words.

I can be nis to my sister.

(I can be nice to my sister.)

I am sry for not o baing you.

(I am sorry for not obeying you.)

I love you. <3

Ples for giv me.

(Please forgive me.)

Love,

Cupcake

Wow...

This is a first. A huge first.

Good using your words, Baby. :-)

Good using your words.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Unintentional Consequences - Don't Get Me Wrong

2011-05-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

As I've been writing about the unintentional consequences that short term missionaries have caused, I understand that I may sound like a disgruntled naysayer who only points out the faults of others. You might think I'm an armchair quarterback. I look at it more as a "Monday Morning Debriefing". I'm a huge fan of learning from others' mistakes, in order to avoid as many "Ouchies!" as possible. I'm just trying to figure this stuff out and this is my place to think out loud and process my thoughts..

Please hear me. I am not saying that short-term mission trips are bad. I am not saying we should just forget the whole thing and stay home in our nice comfortable churches. It's really quite the opposite.

I think short-term mission trips can be a good thing and very worthwhile. If done right, I'm sure short-term missionaries can work alongside long-term missionaries to accomplish big goals and have meaningful interaction with the locals. In some cases, short term missions are necessary. For instance, medical mission trips and emergency assistance/disaster relief trips provide acute care for an immediate problem. I have been the thankful recipient of "just the right help at just the right time" more times than I can count. I believe people can touch others' lives in a profound way in a moment just by being the one who cares and helps in a crisis.

But I also believe that long term life-change takes long-term commitment and personal involvement. A complicated problem cannot be fixed in a jiffy. It requires sacrifice, time, and hard work. You must invest your life into other peoples' lives if you want to make a difference. There is no short-cut. There will be a personal cost. Your hands might get dirty. You might be in over your head.

But it will be worth it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: For any kind of "help" to be helpful, you must empty yourself of pride and lay aside your agenda. Submit to those who have a better understanding than you do. Be teachable. Prepare your heart to serve - even if that means not doing what you were hoping to do. Be ready to die to yourself so that Christ may live in you.

Then take a deep breath. Jump in. Do something.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Six Years

2011-05-17T21:42:00.000-05:00

Six years is too stinkin' long for kids to wait for a family!

It's too long for aching arms and anxious hearts to wait to hold them!

Please join me in praying for Rod, Dawn and their kids, Ronaldo and Julia.

Tomorrow (May 18th) will be 6 years since they committed to adopting these two.

I hurt for my friends.

I hurt for these kids.

It's not fair. It's not right.

¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him! (Isaiah 30:18, New International Version)

Let's pray for justice, mercy and compassion for these two innocent ones and the family that waits for them.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Unintentional Consequences - Short Term Missions to Orphans

2011-05-15T22:17:00.000-05:00

A friend recently brought up a point that I had not thought of as it relates to her child and the short term missions teams that came to his orphanage.

He has a tough time in his attachment to his parents.

She mentioned that his experience with white people was that they were really nice people that loved you well, and then left after a week, never to be seen again. Over and over and over again.

No wonder he has a hard time trusting that she will always be there.

Ouch!

I see the other side of the story and it fits with what my heart wants to think.

The orphanages are under-staffed. It's better to know love for a week than to not know love at all. If a baby is never held, the attachment will be difficult in a different way. At least the general feeling toward white people was positive, though associated with loss. These missionaries were doing their best to share the love of Christ with the kids.

But was it the best thing?

I know that each situation and each child is different, and that God may lead someone to a particular orphanage at an exact time for a specific purpose. I don't deny all the "God-moments" that people have had as they worked with orphans. I just want to step back and look closely at the benefits and consequences of the way we're doing things, so that we can do better.

It's not a perfect world and there are no perfect solutions. We have to do the best we can with what we have.

Would it be better to save the airfare and give to organizations on the ground, so they can hire permanent staff? Maybe God is calling a generation to step up and give of their lives in a whole new way?

I do know that a lifelong, permanent, committed relationship with an orphan will impact their lives far more than a one-week mountain-top experience. Of course, it's a lot harder, and requires dying to yourself daily. But does Jesus Christ deserve anything less (than dying to yourself daily)?

What do you think? I'd love to know your thoughts. I realize this is hard stuff to think about, but I appreciate input from all perspectives. Just trying to figure this out as best I can.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Unintentional Consequences - Short Term Missions in the Orphanage

2011-05-14T22:01:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was looking for pictures of a particular orphanage in Guatemala. I was hoping to see a little boy that Cupcake really loved. In my search, I found a video of a different orphanage - one whose name is inscribed on my heart. Two very precious children are cared for at that orphanage. This was a 10 minute video of a short-term mission trip. This church spent the afternoon at the orphanage at the end of a week of missions. I watched the footage with intensity as I tried to catch a glimpse of these kids. Once I saw one of the kids, I watched the video over and over trying to see every shot of her, straining to see if the other child was in any scene. This video looked like many other videos of Christians serving orphans in third world countries. Nothing would have stood out to me, except that one of those kids is not some orphan. She's my friend's precious daughter, and someday she will come home and try to function in a family.

And suddenly, what came into focus made me angry. Well, not only angry, more like sober and sad.

One of the ladies brought out a box full of bubble jars. It's fun to give a bunch of orphans bubble stuff. When she brought them out, the kids mobbed her, everyone pushing and reaching and grabbing like a mob of animals. The woman was clearly overwhelmed and gave a "Phew!" when the last of the bubbles was gone. It was a sweet and well-meaning gesture. She was trying to do something nice for the orphans. Instead, she encouraged them to trample on each other to get what they thought they "needed".

They don't need bubbles. They need love. They need someone to show them how to function as civilized human beings. They need dignity. They need a family, but that's another post.

So how could it have been handled differently?

Three months ago, I would have done just what that woman did. In fact, I have done that sort of thing when I've taught kids in VBS. But now I have experience and (hopefully) some wisdom. The team would be trained and prepared ahead of time. I would have given each missionary 5 bottles of bubbles. I would have gathered the kids into groups of 5, I would announce that we have bubbles. I'd make it clear that we have enough bubbles for everyone. Each missionary would go to a group. I would announce that the smallest children get to go first. Each child will get a bottle when they look at their missionary and ask politely. (Some kids would not be able to do all that, but I would encourage them to make eye contact through their fingers if they need to. The bar has to be set pretty low for some of these kiddos to succeed.) Each kid would get real loving contact with another human being and bubbles to boot.

You use what they want to give them what they need.

Eye contact and respect for others - these are the basic building blocks for self-worth and attachment.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Unintentional Consequences - Short-Term Missions in the Community

2011-05-11T09:03:00.002-05:00

Well, it seems that what started as a post has grown to a series of posts. I think each of these thoughts about short-term missions has a broad application in a number of situations. I'll see if I can tie it all together...

I've been doing some thinking about missions and unintended consequences. I've never been on an international mission trip, but I would like to someday. Recently, I've come across some things that have made me very cautious about jumping in without forethought and wisdom. Doing what feels right might not be what is right.. I want to do the best thing for the people I strive to serve. I do not want to contribute to their difficulties.

It all started when I came across this great post by Troy and Tara Livesay in Haiti. The Livesays are long-term missionaries. They've been in Haiti for a few years and they understand cultural things that I just never knew or thought about. Troy tells stories of how it plays out in real life. The comments are also enlightening.

A short-term missionary has no idea what the cultural dynamics are. The long-term missionary has a better grasp on who could use money/help/items and how to distribute the goods. They know the culture, community, and individuals in a way that short-term missionaries just can't know.

I don't want to just feel good about what I'm doing, I want to actually help.

This makes me want to be wise in a different way than I have ever considered. If I were to organize, plan, or go on a short-term mission trip, I would humbly respect and heavily rely on the long-term missionary to know what's best for the local people.

I don't want to unintentionally make things worse for the very people I am trying to help. I don't want to detract from the effort that is already being made in the community. I don't want to make things harder on the families that have packed up their lives to go and pour into the lives of others.

The book When Helping Hurts was brought up repeatedly in the post and comments. I had heard of it a few times before and was intrigued by the title. It will be one of the next books that I read. I'll let you know what I think of it. I'm pretty sure it's all about unintentional consequences in our giving.

I know when we were in Guatemala, the need was so great and I was overwhelmed with choosing who to help and how to help them. I'm sure I did some things that were not helpful and other things that had a significant impact. (At least, I hope so.)

So what do you think? Do you have any words of wisdom?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Wounded Children Healing Homes

2011-05-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

Wounded Children

Healing Homes

How Traumatized Children Impact

Adoptive and Foster Families

Jayne Schooler

Betsy Keefer Smalley, LSW

Timothy J Callahan, PSYD

I recently finished this book. It was recommended at the Empowered to Connect conference. I found this book to be a good read that I could readily identify with. So much so that I felt I could've written most of the chapters from my own personal experience.

This book is a compilation describing the dynamics of bringing a traumatized child into a home from several different perspectives. It delves into what actually happens when a child can not fulfill expectations or when a parent has unresolved trauma. It describes the dangers and pitfalls that are so common among "trauma mamas". The impact affects not only the moms and dads, but their extended families, friends, church family, and other networks. It covers the different ways that a difficult placement may affect the other children living in the home. The anatomy of an adoption disruption is also discussed, as well as how to avoid going there. Common school issues are explored followed by a chapter on working with the school for the best possible outcome. The importance of parental self-care and some ideas to achieve that are presented.

Having already had the experience of bringing home a daughter with trauma, I can agree with the content of this book. The authors are right on target and have a very good working understanding of the dynamics involved. Most of all, Wounded Children Healing Homes validated my experience. I am not alone and I am not crazy. :-) It led to some thoughtful introspection about my own past and what I bring to the table. I gained some valuable insight into my older kids' perspectives leading to several "ouch" moments. However, I had some "A-Ha!" moments as it related to the school issues and learning.

All in all, I think it would be a very valuable book for adoption agencies to suggest or require for prospective adoptive couples looking at older child adoption. It would be sobering and enlightening to those who have not truly thought through the implications of committing to a child from hard places. It would also be useful for those just starting on the journey once their child is home.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T08:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I miss your phone calls and your crazy run-on, no-punctuation emails. I miss your voice. I wish we could talk one more time and you could call me "Jewel" just once more.

I hope you know I love you.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Love,
Your Daughter (Julie)

Letter to Cupcake's Birthmother

2011-05-06T10:45:00.000-05:00

Dear G.,

Mother's Day is coming. Does that make you sad? Or have you numbed yourself to the pain, because it's too much. I wouldn't blame you. I can't imagine the raw emotion that you have felt. I can't imagine your loss. All the reminders that you are a mother are gone. There are no little hands tugging on your shirt, no cries of "Mama" in the night. No one will bring you flowers this weekend. But that does not change the fact that you are a mother. You will always be a mother. Cupcake's mother.

Do you think about her? She thinks of you often. She has questions that I cannot answer. I can only guess. From the facts that I have, I can only deduce that life is hard for you. Whether it was choices you made or things that were forced upon you, makes no difference to me.

I only hope that you will one day meet the Healer of Souls. I pray that He would seek you out and restore your life. He will forgive you and give you hope. May He redeem all the ugly, awful evil that has happened to you and make it a thing of beauty. His name is Jesus, and He loves you with a pure, everlasting love.

As for your daughter, she is safe. She is loved. She is growing like a weed. She is learning to read. She can count to 240 and go even higher. More importantly, she is learning to trust, to ask forgiveness and to forgive. She is beautiful, inside and out.

Thank you for being her mother and for giving her a chance at life.

God bless you,

Mamita

The Stash

2011-05-03T19:51:00.000-05:00

That sounds like an alternative rock band. The Stash.

But around here, it refers to the ridiculous amount of junk food that was purchased today.

We picked up Tim for the summer today (YEAH ME!) :-D

He informed us that he recently discovered that he had about $200 left on his meal points. If you don't spend them, you lose them. So, he took us to the food court for lunch. We ate heartily. Then we bought everything we could take with us. And it was all so nutritious.

This is...drum roll please...The Stash!

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Some Days

2011-05-01T21:45:00.000-05:00

Most days, I am encouraged by the progress that Cupcake has made. I look back on those early days, and I'm so thankful that she is no longer held captive by insecurity and pervasive shame. I marvel at how much healing has taken place. Most days, I'm confident that she is well on her way to becoming a healthy, well-balanced adult.

Most days.

But not today.

Today we found ourselves back at the beginning. Struggling against all the evil that ever affected her. Looking into orphan eyes that are wild and lost. Anger, rage, insecurity, disobedience, self-loathing, fear, sadness, flashbacks, and regression.

Sigh.

Add to that, my reactions. Selfishness, anger, weariness, fear, frustration, bossiness, inflexibility, sharp words, eye-daggers. Yeah, it was not pretty.

Some days are like that. :-(

Just when I'm ready to have a pity party, I remember that these difficult times are times of healing.

When I got home from Youth Group tonight, I was determined to bring her in close and gentle. I fed her some sweet stuff. We looked in the mirror and discussed each of her precious features. I held her in my arms and looked deep into her eyes. We snuggled close and enjoyed each others' company. I carried her to bed and thanked the Father for my baby. She was asleep in under 5 minutes.

The end of the day made up for the first 13 hours.

Tomorrow is a new day. Thank you, Jesus, for tomorrows.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Excuses

2011-04-30T20:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a little bit of a rough week for Cupcake. She had a bad night on Wednesday, and consequently woke up Thursday still in a funk. She kept telling me that she couldn't do PE or recess because her back hurt. She begged me to write a note so she could skip those. So, I dug deeper, asking what they were doing in PE, who did she plan on playing with at recess, and other probing questions. She didn't want to answer, just insisted on my writing a note. When I told her I couldn't do that, she resorted to this:

I realize this is hard to see, so I'll spell it out for you.

"Cupcake bak hos and she cat play at wesa"

Translated into English, it says, "Cupcake's back hurts and she can't play at recess.

It was worth a try. :-)

Blessings to you,

Mamita

PS. Later on, when I asked her what was wrong with her back, she answered, "I think it's sad." Probably closer to the truth than we know.

Five Minute Friday - If I Knew I Could, I Would...

2011-04-29T16:10:00.000-05:00

It's Friday. Time to sharpen my writing skills. Five Minute Friday is one of The Gypsy Mama's things. Hop on over to her blog to read the rules and join the fun. While you're there, take a look around. Her posts are worthwhile. She has a great bunch of followers. I've really enjoyed meeting some new people this way.

So here goes.

Today's writing prompt is:

If I knew I could, I would...

Oh, if I couldn't fail, the things I would do! First off, I would march right down to Guatemala and straighten things out, so Ronaldo and Julia could come home. I would tell everyone in the world how valuable they are, how valuable human life is in all it's stages. I would adopt Eduardo, who was Cupcake's little friend in the orphanage. I would be an advocate for orphans. I would teach the whole world about therapeutic parenting. It is absolutely the best way to parent and would help so many kids grow up emotionally healthy. I would go back to school to get a degree in counseling.

I would try to bake cheesecake and learn to take pictures well. :-)

Time's up.

Rats! That's not all my dreams. There's so much to do, and so little me. :-) I have so many things swirling around in my head. So much of it is urgent and necessary. I want to rally the troops to take action. I want to teach others about Jesus. I want to be used by God to transform lives. I want to stop injustice and reduce poverty.

I want to write a book. That's on my bucket list. Someday...not just yet.

As I look at this stuff, I'm pretty excited, because I'm doing many of those things on a small scale. I guess I'm not really afraid of failing anymore (much).

It would not be possible for me to help Ronaldo and Julia's situation, so I won't be traveling to Guatemala for diplomatic reasons. It will only be accomplished through prayer, which I am earnestly involved in. Eduardo is not possible, since Guatemala is closed to adoption and I'm too old and worn out. I won't be getting a counseling degree, but I certainly find myself doing lots of lay counseling.

So, it looks like I should go buy me some cream cheese and look into Photography classes. ;-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

The Hole in Our Gospel

2011-04-28T22:20:00.003-05:00

I've been reading "The Hole in Our Gospel" by Richard Stearns (CEO of World Vision).

I sat on this book for several months before I finally picked it up to read. I'm sorry I waited that long. Stearns is a great storyteller and he weaves some hard truth into his incredible stories. I cried several times over desperate heartache he describes and God's undeniable hand in his life and the lives of those he serves.

"The Hole in Our Gospel" is written to open the eyes of the American church. Many of our churches have majored in truth and personal transformation, which is a good thing. But the whole gospel is that we are transformed for a purpose. God has a job for us. It involves many things, but helping the weak, poor, and needy is not optional.

Stearns clearly and truthfully explains the complex problem of poverty and the implications for those caught in it. Then he lays out solutions for fixing the problem. He calls for every Christian to stand up and do something.

I really liked this book, because his heart beats like mine. I could relate so easily to his experience of encountering God. His passion and compassion are contagious.

And he is right.

So, I give "The Hole in Our Gospel" two thumbs up. :-)

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Five Minute Friday - Hard Love

2011-04-22T15:10:00.001-05:00

Five Minute Friday. You know the drill. Type for 5 minutes. No editing. Publish and link back to The Gypsy Mama.

Today's prompt: Hard Love

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for loving me when I didn't care what You thought, when I didn't obey You and didn't even want to, when I thought I knew best. Thank You for taking the fall for me when I didn't appreciate it. Thank you for dying on cross in my place, even if I would have spit in Your face. Thank you for wooing and pursuing me when I was at my worst. Thank You for continuing to love me, even when my worst comes out still.

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinner's, Christ died for us.

Thank You, Lord.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

The Real Promise Day

2011-04-18T10:10:00.001-05:00

Every year, we celebrate Promise Day on May 22. That's the day we promised the folks at the US Embassy in Guatemala that we would raise Cupcake as our daughter. With adoption, it's hard to pick which day to celebrate as the important anniversary. There's the day we first saw her picture, the day we first met her, the day we flew home and she became a U. S. citizen. They're all meaningful, but we chose embassy day, because of the promise we made to her. We celebrate Promise Day with a small special treat like ice cream.

But the day that is actually dearest to my heart is what I think of as the "Real" Promise Day.

Five years ago today, Steve and I committed to the adoption of Cupcake. We promised to make her our daughter.

We had no idea of the enormity of our decision. We did not suspect the uncertainty and pain that her adoption process would inflict on us. We were about to be swept under the deep waters of unforeseen circumstances. We did not understand the sacrifice and work it would take to make her whole once she came home. None of this was clear at the time.

But this one thing, we knew...She was ours. Absolutely. Without a doubt. No question.

This knowledge - it carried us through. When all seemed lost - multiple times, we knew that God's hand was on her. His hand was all over this. As more and more calamities befell us, we held on to this truth.

She is ours.

We didn't know how things would turn out. We didn't know if she would ever come home. But we knew that we were forever linked to this special girl.

I'm not sure I ever shared the story of how we knew. It's a good one. :-)

Friday, April 14, 2006, we got a call from our agency. She told me that they had gotten three "baby girls" in and we were next in line. We could have our choice. Only, the lawyer that was handling these three was going to cost an extra $2000 from their stated "average fee". They assured me that he was their best lawyer and because he really worked hard, he would probably be worth the extra cost. (Side note: Our agency was awesome. His price was in the range they quoted, but he was at the higher end. He was indeed worth the extra money.)

I'm a born and bred bargain hunter, and adoption expenses are already crazy high. And she had said "baby girls". We were hoping for a 4-6 year old. After talking for a while, I decided that we would wait and see if they would get a girl in with one of the less expensive lawyers. She told me they would put the babies on the photolisting that afternoon and call us when another girl came in.

Later that afternoon, I jumped on the agency website to see what the babies looked like. This is what I saw.

My heart skipped a beat. I called Steve and told him to jump on the computer now. He did. We both agreed that we thought she was the one. I hung up and called the agency back. I asked for all the information they had on her. It wasn't much. We had a birth certificate, some blood tests results and minimal family information. The only thing that gave us pause was the fact that she was only 2.5. We were pretty sure God called us to adopt a 4-6 year old. (This scared the bejeepers out of me when things went south and it looked like it might take years to get her home. In the end, it was a HUGE confirmation that Cupcake was meant to be ours. She came home at 4.5.)

Since it was the day before Easter weekend, we could have the weekend to pray about it. We sent an email to each of our parents on Friday evening.

Steve's parents had occasionally discussed some of the kids we were considering, but they had always stepped back and allowed us the freedom to figure this out for ourselves. This time, however, Steve's parents called on Saturday. They excitedly told Steve, "She's the one! We'll pay the extra $2000!"

Cool! That was a nice confirmation of our thoughts. :-)

I had been sending pictures of potential kids to my mom for months. I had never received a reply. Nada. No questions. No concerns. No excitement. (She was very excited about the adoption, just not the kids we had shown her.) So she called on Sunday. She said, "Hey. I'm on my way out to Aunt Harriet's for Easter. I had your brother blow up an 8x10 picture of my little granddaughter. I'm going to show everyone." When I explained that we hadn't actually committed to her, my mom replied, "She's the one! I'll pay the extra $2000! Just make sure you call them today!"

"Mom, it's Easter. They're not open." :-)

Okay, that was wild! Confirmation from both parents in a serious way!

We prayed all weekend, but we knew. Monday, we spent the day trying to find out if we could get any medical information or a developmental report. They really had nothing since she had just come in to foster care. It's scary not knowing anything about the person who would become our child.

But...

On Tuesday, April 18, 2006, we committed to Cupcake. We promised God (and our agency) that we would stick by this child. We would love and defend her. We would be her advocates. We would be her Mom and Dad. Forever. We would never leave her.

As I said, we had NO IDEA how that commitment would be tested. We had NO IDEA how important this confirmation was to our emotional and spiritual lives. God did something spectacular so that we could hold on to this hope in the worst storms we have ever faced.

That day - the day we promised to be there for Cupcake - that day- our world changed. That day, we changed, and we have never been the same. This is the day that I celebrate in my heart with such great joy and gladness. This is what God looks like when He moves among men. When I reflect on all He's done, I can't help but worship Him. So thankful for His blessing. :-)

Happy Real Promise Day, Sweetheart!

Blessings to you,

Mamita

The Wisher of Oz

2011-04-17T16:50:00.000-05:00

Sugar was in a play this weekend. This is the grand culmination of her drama class this year. I did not misspell the title. The play was a re-written version of the classic. It was very good. I'm so proud of this young lady that I call my daughter.

Just so you young men know, her Daddy carries a big stick and he knows how to use it. :-)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Five Minute Friday - On Distance

2011-04-15T15:44:00.000-05:00

Lisa-Jo over at The Gypsy Mama has a great writing exercise on Fridays. Five Minute Fridays are a great way to learn to express yourself in a short amount of time. That's good for me, since most posts take me hours and hours to write.

Here are the rules:

Using the prompt, write for five minutes only.
No editing. Be free from those constraints.
Link back to her blog. (Click on the button below to get there.)
Go read others' posts and leave comments.

Today's Five Minute Friday writing prompt is

On Distance:

8667 miles.

That is the distance from here to my friend in the Philippines.

Halfway around the world. But right here in my heart.

We talk on the internet, but we're not internet friends. We go way back...before Al Gore invented the internet. :-) Before kids.

She was my husband's pen pal in college. You know, stamps, envelopes, paper. When we got married, she carefully offered to go quietly out of his life. But instead, a friendship developed across the miles. We're two moms, just alike. We do our best. We work hard. We pray for our kids. We love others. We can fight like mama-bears. We encourage each other.

She is a blessing to me. :-)

8000 miles is just a mouse-click away. We are close by, even across land and sea.

That's it for today.

Five Minute Friday. You should give it a try.

Blessings to you,

Mamita

Some More Good News

2011-04-09T22:25:00.005-05:00

Cupcake has been in a really good place lately, for the most part. I have had a couple of occasions to really be proud of her in the last two weeks.

(For background info, the little guy in this story is almost 3 years younger than Cupcake and has many of the same behavior issues.)

One day, Cupcake was in the back yard playing with a neighbor girl. Little Guy came down alone (without his mom) and wanted to play. Cupcake was already playing with a friend, so she gently told him that she couldn't play today, but maybe they could play another day. He got spittin' mad and started to get out of control. Cupcake actually used some good therapeutic parenting and talked him off the ledge. All by herself, she calmed him down and got him back home! (Steve was in the kitchen watching the whole thing unfold.)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Yesterday, a neighbor girl came over and she was upset about something that happened that Cupcake had no control over. She was blaming Cupcake and pointing fingers and accusing her of being mean. Cupcake didn't puff up and give her the what-for. She didn't jump into defensive mode. She didn't yell. No hands on the hips. She didn't even toss her head. She just looked to me with a hurt look in her eyes. I explained to the neighbor girl what had really happened and off they skipped together, playing for hours. How awesome is that?

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

It's so cool to see these truths taking root in her life!

That's my girl! :-D

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Five Minute Friday: If You Met Me

2011-04-08T20:56:00.003-05:00

It's time for Five Minute Friday!

Lisa-Jo invites her readers to write for 5 minutes. Don't edit. Just write. Then link up to her blog.

Today's writing prompt is:

If you met me...

At first glance, you might see a lumpy, middle-aged woman with thin dirty-dishwater blonde hair.

But if you really looked at me, you would see warm welcoming eyes. You would see a depth of pain pouring from my expression. You would see a woman who knows deep, joyful love. You would see a heart of compassion. You would see the smile of a shamed person that was forgiven. I hope you would see Jesus in my face, because that is Who I hope to reflect.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Cats and Dogs

2011-03-31T20:55:00.007-05:00

Tonight was the 1st grade musical entitled "Cats and Dogs". The kids were so cute. I figure I'm long overdue for some pictures here, so without further adieu...

She said her line loud and clear.

It was a lot of fun. Cupcake is really growing up. I'm very proud of her.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Another Breakthrough

2011-03-31T09:12:00.004-05:00

This time, Sugar took a huge step!

Sugar was traumatized when Cupcake came home and brought her trauma with her. She has seen a lot of crazy behavior. Deep in her soul, she remembers that stuff and has held it against her sister for nearly 3 years.

We've had occasional moments of actual sweetness between the sisters. We've seen Sugar fiercely protect her little sister at times. But much of the time, they live in an uneasy truce. Forced civility. Or we have outright war between the girls.

I can't blame Sugar. She is only 12 and has to put up with a lot - way more than normal pesky little sister stuff, and the normal stuff is exacerbated by the deep resentment of her painful memories.

So, imagine my surprise, when, yesterday morning, we found this next to Cupcake's bed!

Dear Cupcake,
I love you and I
hope you know that.
You are way sweeter than I
give you credit for. Have
a good day at school.

Read this note when
you think I don't love
you.

Love,
Sugar

Proof that things are getting better!

(I feel it's only fair to tell you that, by bedtime, the note was seriously in danger of being ripped to shreds by both girls. We are making progress, but we certainly have not arrived.)

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Another WOW!

2011-03-19T15:04:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, Cupcake was supposed to spend the night with the neighbor girl. They had been planning this birthday celebration for over two weeks. The night before, she picked out her outfit. She woke up that morning and started packing. At 8:30 AM, she was asking how much longer until the "party". At 10:30, I let her go knock on the door to see if the girl could play, but I wouldn't let her bring her overnight bag yet. We didn't want to seem too eager. ;-)

At 11:00, I talked to the mom. Everything was a "go" for the night. In fact, she offered to watch Cupcake in the afternoon so I could work at our church garage sale.

So, at 11:30, Cupcake comes home with a look on her face. She says, "I can't stay this afternoon and the sleepover is canceled. D's dad called and he's picking her up now." (D's mom and dad are divorced and this is spring break. We'll just say it was a breakdown in communication.) I wanted to cry for her. I told her how sorry I was and how I knew it hurt. She dejectedly said, "It's okay." Then, a few minutes later, "I feel.....really sad."

That's it! Did you hear that?

"I feel...really sad.", No screaming, no rages, no nothing! Just sad!

I was SO PROUD of my little girl!

One year ago, this kind of disappointment would have lead to nuclear meltdown lasting at least a week.

Two years ago, the possibility of a sleepover with a friend was out of the question. Under no circumstances could I ever, ever, ever imagine a sleepover being possible.

Yesterday, I was reminded of those first few weeks when Cupcake was new to us, nearly 3 years ago. Truthfully, in those early days home, I did not have any hope of her ever being able to enter her grandmother's house, with all it's crystal and fine china. (We did reach that goal within about 4 months.)

The story of yesterday was actually WAY more crazy than I can even explain, but, in the end, Cupcake handled tremendous disappointment with aplomb. God has really done a wonderful thing in our lives!

We have come a long way, indeed! I'm so proud of my baby!

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Progress

2011-03-19T15:01:00.001-05:00

Lisa asked the question on her blog: "For those of you with older adopted kids, have you had success and healing?" The question was coming from a mom who had been working with her child for 10 months and was discouraged. Boy, I've been there. There are still days....but....

I've had a couple of big "WOW!" moments with my little Cupcake. I just need to share them with you. :-D

The first one happened a few weeks ago. Her counselor at school returned to me a survey that I had filled out in March of last year. She asked me to go over it and make any changes that have occurred over the past year. The first page was address, phone number, blah, blah, blah. The second and third pages were a list of behavioral issues, about 60 questions. Included were things like: is able to focus on a task, displays aggression toward peers, responds appropriately to ___, becomes frustrated easily, answers when I call, etc. For each issue, I could check the box.

Not a Concern
Sometimes a Concern
A Concern

Well, last year, maybe 60% of the issues were "A Concern", 30% "Sometimes", and 10% "Not a Concern". This year, almost everything moved up to a lesser category! Only about 10% remain a concern for us.

I marveled over that piece of paper. All that progress was recorded right there in ink! So many baby steps had gone unnoticed. Many tiny things had been celebrated with tiny joy, but the overall progress she's made has been stunning. It makes me want to throw a party. I plan to ask her guidance counselor for a copy of that paper just to have. It will be something to refer to on the hard days.

We have made progress, and it has been good. :-)

I'll share the other "WOW!" next time.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Invisible Children

2011-03-15T20:53:00.002-05:00

I just read a very thoughtful post today over at My Mind on Paper. Kevin, the author, was adopted trans-racially. He is now an adult and reflects on his life and family.

Today, he wrote about the effect of his adoption on his siblings and the long-term outcomes. I see the danger he writes about. We have poured our lives into the healing and stabilization of our adopted daughter, but it has cost us precious time, energy and enjoyment of our older kids. I pray that we can keep them connected and that all four kids become friends as they grow up. I want them to be close to us and close to each other.

If you are an adoptive mom, please go over and read his post.

What do you think?

Blessings to you,
Mamita

As They Say in St. Louis...

2011-03-14T12:16:00.004-05:00

If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.

Yesterday, the kids were out playing on the hammock. It was around 50 degrees.

Today, this.

It's supposed to be 74 on Thursday.

That's why we keep the boots right next to the flip-flops.

Blessings to you,
Mamita

Five Minute Friday

2011-03-11T16:00:00.000-06:00

Lisa-Jo, over at The Gypsy Mama, does a Five Minute Friday writing exercise. I tried it for the first time two weeks ago. I think I'm going to give it another try today.

Here are the rules:

1. Write for only five minutes.
2. Link back to her site and invite others to play along.
3. Go say hi to the five minute artist who linked up before you.

Today's writing prompt is:

I feel the most loved when...

GO

I feel the most loved when I am thankful. Yep. My attitude has a lot to do with how I perceive love from others.

In relation to my husband, I feel most loved when he gives me a footrub after a long tough day. This only works for my husband though. Don't ask me if you can rub my feet. That would be creepy :-)

In relation to my God, I feel the most loved when He breaks through after a long, dry spell. As I look back an all He's done, I am so overwhelmed with His love for me.

In relation to friends, I feel loved when they call, especially if I've been a bad friend and not called them in a while.

In relation to my kids, I feel most loved when they are kind to each other and me. I love when they sense my sadness and snuggle up or say a kind word or reach out to hug me.

I notice these things when I'm in a grateful mood.

I'm feeling pretty loved right now.

STOP

Blessings to you,
Mamita